Monday, October 25, 2010


Sorry for being gone for so long - no excuses just life taking it's natural course. Sometimes all the good intentions in the world go unmanifested. In any event, as freely as I'd like to write..... without reservation or fear of judgment. I realize that I can't and will only allow myself to be so vulnerable since the consequences of documenting my growth or lack there of is unknown.

I've had a funny feeling all morning, I think it's because I realize that I'm at a crossroad in my life. The only thing I know with certainty is to be my best will require: hard work, tunnel vision, dedication, determination, gumption, and a willingness to walk alone will be necessary. I feel the lure of complacency and habitual comforts seducing me. I want to give in ....things aren't so bad now. Yet, my unconscious knows that the feelings of comfort in inaction is a mirage which disguises the truth - ME - sliding backwards into my own fears or just plain regressing.

I'm at that fork. One road leads to a bright , adventurous, unknown future and the other into oblivion. one is filled with obstacles and will require equipment I don't have ........ the other appears to be smooth.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

F8ck my life or my attitude ......

Today is payday *joy* ......or so I thought...... I was excited about this particular payday because it was suppose to be all about ME. September is one of those few months when I receive 3 checks versus 2 * angels singing*. I've been basking in this upcoming holiday (Payroll Leap year) since Monday I'd work extra hours due to the system conversion and was excited that my recurring annoyance (time sheets) would finally work my favor. My cousin whose also my roommate made plans to go to Miami for carnival. In order for her to buy her ticket and costume;I paid all the bills - don't judge.The point is my pleasure was suppose to triple, this pay week was suppose to be special.

It's Spa week in NYC; I fantasized about herbal peelings, chocolate body wraps, deep tissue massages, hydrating facials, mani - pedis, individual lash extensions, perfectly arched eyebrows, splurging on new make up, starting my Fall/Winter wardrobe savings account, paying for my LAST test, budgeting for a spring 2011 vacation, etc. But, when I started plugging numbers into my fiscally responsible future orientated excel spread sheet, my heart began to sank. My negative column began to attack my holiday bonus; savings, student loan repayment, credit card payment, cell phone, food, clothing/ gift, metro card, etc. I sent a flurry of emails to my cousin " fucking my life".

After temporarily wallowing in my misery, I reframed. The fact is one of my credit cards is completely paid off . I have a nice amount of money in savings, my cooking has improved, writing more, and my engagement ring is out of the pawn shop - don't judge. I've sacrificed getting a new hairdo every week,a new outfit bi - weekly, gym membership (outdoor workouts much better, anyway), pedicures, eating out, frequently going out, and cab rides but have gained so much more. I've been far from perfect since 6/25/2010 but have been getting better. I could never afford to treat myself as often as I did, which is why I can't treat myself NOW. After completing my budget, I addressed a potential fear - Is this what my life's going to be? Am I going to work 75 hours a week to pay bills and have a small amount to spend? The answer is NO!!!

If I continued to fool myself, eventually the well would have run dry - no credit or terrible credit which means absolutely no access to anything worth having. I would have dug a hole so deep that I wouldn't see light. I can at least feel and see the sun in my hole. If I can stick to the plan, I'll be able to turn my savings into additional income, accomplish a confidence boosting goal, finally learn good money management skills, and improve me life. So, I'm fucking my brat attack and loving my journey to a debt free life.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Rectifying my relationship with my body

I got on the scale today and discovered an 8lb weight gain; I was both horrified and mortified. I'm a control freak, avid reader, and fixer so I immediately set to put those skills to good use. If my thoughts were tracked by mini lights, my brain would have lit up like Time Square. I immediately grabbed my belongings and went on my lunch break. Proceed to calculate my intake for the day, called my cousin to arrange for a run later, and head to Barnes and Noble. I figure I'd look up new weight lifting techniques, interval exercises, and jot down a few healthy low calorie recipes. I reached the fitness section first but was so upset that I couldn't bond with a book. Book Bonding is finding information that addresses your specific situation (dilemma in my case) - nerdy self soothing prescription. My emotions were running so high, all I could do was leaf through books, barely absorbing any information

I decided to switch gears and headed to the self improvement aisle. I was immediately drawn to the mediation, quiet spaces, Tai Chi type books and was flooded with emotions. Emotional unpleasantries that I'd psychologically boxed up came to the surface in the form of uncomfortable fleeting memories. My mind replayed my relationship with a person I considered a friend, ex - fiancé, money issues, etc. It was all so overwhelming that I abandoned my mission to control my weight and decided to just walk for an hour. The truth revealed itself during my walk. I finally believed that my extra weight was a symptom of unaddressed emotional issues. Whether, I’m happy (favorite), sad (sweet), distressed (sweet), angry (crunchy), etc. I comfort myself with food.

Make no mistake my wanting to maintain a healthy weight has nothing to do with media outlets , societies definition of “beauty”, or an useless unless thin syndrome; not dating, swimming, socializing, trying to achieve goals, vacationing, sexing unless skinny. I was there in my early 20’s when I should have been enjoying my sensuality, endless energy, and beauty; crazy thing – I wasn’t even fat. I’m not aspiring to be a sample size or have thighs my hands can fit around. But, I don’t want to struggle to climb stairs, be unable to walk long distances, or run for the bus. I want to be active, toned, and healthy regardless of the number on the scale. Appreciating ones mind, body, and soul is more than just loving yourself regardless of size, race, height, relationship status, title, etc. it’s about honoring our lives and the tools that help us exist.

I refuse to continue this dysfunctional relationship with my body. I refuse to emotionally harm myself by feeling guilty over weight gain or not exercising. I refuse to spiritually harm myself by not dealing with emotional upsets which causes me to shut down, close off, and seek solace in instant gratification. I refuse to physically abuse my body by eating good, working out, binge drinking, flossing, smoking, and washing my make up off when the mood strikes. I vow to honor myself and consistently do well and occasionally indulge, let’s face it I’m no saint. I’m not perfect, nor will I ever be. But, I can enjoy my imperfect existence fully with more balance and less extremes which will result in a better me.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

This I believe

Hello everyone,

I submitted a very personal essay to not-for-profit organization that engages youth and adults from all walks of life in writing, sharing, and discussing brief essays about the core values that guide their daily lives. Enjoy !!!!

I believe in myself therefore I never believed I'd become a statistic or cautionary tale, even after dropping out of high school at 15 years old. Dropping out was one of the hardiest choices I ever made. I feared the stigma and inferiority complex which followed but time has shown me admitting defeat or quitting, isn’t always equivalent to failure. I can blame an archaic school system, environment, teachers who could care less, and/or my inability to learn the same as everyone else, laziness, etc – I won’t. Although, these things contributed to my academic failure, nothing pushed me down that slope quicker than my lack of faith in myself.

I remember mentally checking out at nine years old, sitting at my desk working on my homework for hours, in utter confusion, as tears rolled down my face. I’d eaten dinner, used the restroom several times, and after hours of school was still faced with incomprehensible information. Time stood still as I languished within my inescapable inferno. My father bone tired after a 10 -12 hour shift tried to explain concepts that should have been taught in class. I can still feel my face hitting my hands as I broke down….. utterly defeated. I recall looking across the room and zoning in on my corkboard which held a single sheet of paper with an enticing monetary reward system for passing test scores; $100 for a 90 -100 % score and something like $25 for a 75 %. Imagine how stupid I felt at that moment; I realized that I’d never qualified for the barley passing consolation prize. I retreated into myself that day; boxing up my shame, insecurities, and faith.

My cowardice allowed me to sit in class for hours, days, months, and years; barely breathing in fear of being called on. I stared intently at the clock, willing time to pass, as I strategized my participation volunteering to answer the few questions I knew. Years later, my fear and lack of faith in myself finally caught up with me – I was exposed. I stood on the sidelines as my class practiced songs and skits for our eight grade graduation. Everyone knew I was going to be held back. My family had moved from NYC to New Jersey the year before, what they didn’t know was this was the 2nd time. The unthinkable happened the following year – I failed the 8th grade again. My self esteem plummeted; I couldn't understand how a shrewd, avid reader, who spent all her free time at the library, could be so stupid – it was beyond embarrassing. Completely broken down, I convinced my dad to sign me out of school so that I could get my GED with the help of a program at the local community college. I lied – I really wanted to go away to Job Corp. I’d seen the commercials on TV which promised their potential students a High School Diploma, Trade, and start up money. Although, the program required students to work independently and teach themselves things they didn’t learn in High school. I was hopeful and finally started to believe what my parents had been telling me “I can do anything I put my mind to”. Long story short, I went to Job Corp and passed my GED test the 1st time within 3 months. My confidence shot through the roof after realizing that I’d pass the test because I learned an important characteristic – perseverance. I no longer allow labels to define me and have since renewed my subscription in faith and myself.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Fall Fashion *Wishlist*

Fall is my absolute favorite season; it means not being too hot or cold and always being just right, Some days it's nice enough to bare your legs all while showing off your favorite leather jacket or trench coat. Fall represents natural earthy makeup, perfect weather proof hair, texture marriages (billowy and tough). A change in aesthetics thanks to the leaves - it's all very inspiring. So, I've thrown together a collage of my fall lustworthy items; cocktail dress that can be worn to the office with a nice fitted blazer, black skinny jeans ( to tuck in those boots), lace up closed toe booties, updated comfy cardigan type sweater to be paired with sexy camisoles, chunky necklaces, hippie hats, faux fur vests,shirt dresses, earthy shimmery and uber smoky make up, sexy lingerie, embellished belts, and a sexy pencil length leather skirt. I was inspired by a picture of my mom circa 1980 something, she was rocking a fitted knee length leather dress which I'd total wear today.

But, I'm on a budget. I'm saving for the thigh high boots I've coveted since last year but will need to figure out the rest. I suspect a lot of the item I want can be purchased on ebay, thrift ,or consignment shops ; chunky necklace, hippie hat, leather skirt, and belt. The rest will have to be bought new or forgone altogether. I have clothes on the mind today .....continue to follow me to see how it all works out.


I've noticed these past few weeks,new visitors starting to frequent "my" website. The idea of having followers who actually like my posts, adjective abuse, and style of writing is exciting, humbling,and terrifying all at once. I review my posts every time I see a new city on my traffic feed, especially if no one I know lives there, and my stomach does all sorts of twists and turns. I want this blog to be good and relatable but I also want to be true to myself. I'm no professional writer. I'm just a girl who loves to read , enjoys writing, and feels honored to have a space to document her growth. I'm a true Sagittarian in that I'm always aiming high landing no where in particular , except on my feet, with a funny, adventure filled story to tell. I'm going to stop worry about whether my posts are too fluffy, serious, or self righteous. My goal is to have a fun reflective space. I hope newbie's and oldies alike enjoy and leave this site with either a smile or topic of conversation.

*Warning - fluffy post maybe coming up next*

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Best for last

Best For Last lyrics
Songwriters: Adkins, Adele;

Wait, do you see my heart on my sleeve?
It's been there for days on end
And it's been waitin' for you to open up
Just you baby, come on now, I'm trying to tell you just how
I like to hear the words roll out of your mouth finally
Say that it's always been me

That's made you feel a way you've never felt before
And I'm all you need and that you never want more
Then you'd say all of the right things without a clue
But you'd save the best for last like I'm the one for you

You should know that you're just a temporary fix
This is not rooted with you, it don't mean that much to me
You're just a filler in the space that happened to be free
How dare you think you'd get away with tryin' to play me

Why is it every time I think I've tried my hardest
It turns out it ain't enough, you're still not mentionin' love?
What am I supposed to do to make you want me properly?
I'm takin' these chances and gettin' nowhere
And though I'm trying my hardest you back to her
And I think that I know things may never change
I'm still hopin' one day I might hear you say

I make you feel a way you've never felt before
And I'm all you need and that you never want more
Then you'd say all of the right things without a clue
But you'd save the best for last like I'm the one for you

You should know that you're just a temporary fix
This is not rooted with you it don't mean that much to me
You're just a filler in the space that happened to be free
How dare you think you'd get away with trying to play me

But, despite the truth that I know
I find it hard to let go and give up on you
Seems I love the things you do
Like the meaner you treat me the more eager I am
To persist with this heartbreak runnin' around
And I will do until I find myself with you

And make you feel a way you've never felt before
And be all you need so that you never want more
Then you'd say all of the right things without a clue
And you'll be the one for me and me the one for you

My love life is this song in repeat. It doesn't always start that way but always seems to end up with me feeling like I'm lacking in an area or eager to prove myself. The crazy thing is I know that I shouldn' do so would be to compromise my principles.

I don't want to compromise myself or my principles. I've been presented with a unique opportunity to live in a rent controlled apartment in NYC. A two bedroom apartment for $800 bucks which would allow me to find a roommate and save tons of $$$$$, even if I live in said apartment alone I could still bank lots of $$$$. The rent control apartment would be a much better financial situation compared to my overpriced 1 bedroom apartment at $1,063.00 per month. * I hesitate*

The reason why I'm looking this gift horse in the mouth is because I'd have to access this diamond in the rough thru my ex- fiance. The perpetual fuck up who lures me in to haphazardly hurt me. I can give myself a million and one reasons why I'd be stupid not to jump on this opportunity; debt repayment, potential non resorty type vacations, thigh high Stella McCartney boots, etc. Material bullshit aside, I don't really want to have to learn the same lesson all over AGAIN in an apartment that isn't in my name. I don't want to be vunerable in this way. Although, this is a hard decision, I'm going to save the best for last and tell myself "you'll be the one for me and me the one for you".

Thanks but no thanks - sometimes you have to step out on faith and besides God, it doesn't hurt to have faith in yourself.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010


"Happiness is neither virtue nor pleasure, nor this thing, nor that, but simply growth. We are happy when we are growing"

Gretchen Rubin

So grow and be memorable

The teacher is everywhere ......

Friday, August 27, 2010

I'm not ready

My love life has been on and poppin *snap snappity snap* these past few weeks; a few missed connections have resurfaced allowing for a potential redo, an ex came out of the wood work making grand declarations and proclamations suggesting forever, poetry has been written for me, and I have a great prospect in a funny, lovable, honorable man. The universe is speaking and letting me know that I have options. It may be because I went through a terrible ordeal when I last opened my heart and decided to shelter that good- natured, jump out the window, adventurous, love you 110% girl. God may be trying to tell me don’t settle there are plenty of fish *wink* in the sea and men who’ll fit your criteria and even believe in your courting approach. When you’re ready it is written – it’ll happen.

I say this to focus on the “when you’re ready part” because even though your girl has options. It doesn’t mean, I’m playing my cards right. I know exactly what I need to bring to the table to make any scenario work especially if the men above have good intentions. But, I can’t even put a little bit of effort in anything. I’m tired. And it’s Ok. Relationships take so much out of an individual and you have to go into one committed to putting the work in, that yields the great times and results. People say “I just want it to be easy” or “it shouldn’t be so hard” but that isn’t true, relationships require work. I’m not sure if this is unfortunate or fortunate but I’m just not willing to do it right now. I’m more than Ok not having to take someone else perspective, emotional well being, and feelings into account. Even if the rewards are out of this world.

I’m Ok being by myself. I’m Ok spending hours playing video games, reading, writing, spending time with family, crowded sleep over’s, watching ridiculous movies that only interest me, preparing and enjoying vegetarian meals, hanging out at boring museums for hours, stretching out across my bed, not answering questions about my schedule, looking a hot mess at times, planning vacations to non resort type places, and using toys that lovers find offensive. I’m not ready to worry about someone feeling excluded, give up, or compromising on any of these things. I’m good hanging with me for now ……Sorry

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Perfection in Imperfection

I need to address my absence for my few loyal readers; Popcorn and Dad (lol). Work has been crazy!!!! We are in the midst of a system conversion and it’s been project after endless project. The project doesn’t include my normal assignments which have been put off for about two weeks – things have been hectic. I’m not complaining because I’m grateful to have a job and be able to maintain my swag *wink*. So, I apologize for my absence but have been gone with good reason.

Today’s post is a little random but heart warming. I walked into work today ½ hour late but feeling great. My morning was crazy. Due to not working out, stress cooking deliciously rich pasta dishes, and not calculating my intake during the last few weeks my shirts were a bit snug in the bust area this morning. I managed to stay calm and quickly decided to thrown on a gray knit ¾ sleeve knee length dress with a cowl neck and a slim patent leather belt. It’s been raining in NYC therefore a bit chilly; my dress alternative was perfect, chic, forgiving, flattering, and professional. The only problem is I couldn’t find the belt for this dress. I spent at least 20 minutes going through all my accessories, storage spaces, etc. while admonishing myself for not scaling down enough and being more organized. By the time I found my belt, I was officially late for work. I called my boss to let him know that I missed the train, threw on a bit of make up, rolled my eyes at my crazy hair and ran out the door.

I was a lot calmer by the time I reached the metro north (croissant helped), less annoyed about my hair since it was drizzling, and I didn’t have an umbrella. My boss knew I was running late so I was calm and looking forward to a pleasant commute and catching up on my reading. In the midst of my texting, reading, and attempting to smooth out my frazzled appearance - time flew. My 30 minute train ride felt like 5 minutes but I was ready to start my day. As the train pulled into my station, folks barreled down the aisle, locking the person closer to the window in their seat. I noticed an attractive unassuming gentleman ahead of me who appeared to be blocked in by people rushing off the train. I stopped to allow him to get out of his seat. I was already late – my time zone(hot mess central). He turned to me as said “I’m not stuck just inspired”. I might have furrowed my brow in confusion when he handed me a piece of paper and added “I wrote a poem for you”. As an avid reader, I was impressed, touched and overwhelmed. I immediately gave him a warm sincere “Thank you” and watched him rush off the train in another direction.

I tried to read the poem as I walked over to my shuttle bus but couldn’t within the crazy people traffic. When I reached the shuttle bus, I pulled out the poem titled “To the Soulful Sister Noticed” and was immediately overwhelmed by the idea of me being inspiring and seeing myself through someone else’s eyes ; skin tone, energy, grace, beauty , etc. I won’t overshare because it’s personal, beautiful and I want to respect the author. He left his number on the back and an offer to meet up for tea – classy. It made me feel so good because it was sweet, romantic, original, old world feeling (courting), flattering, IDK. My hands down best date request experience, I’m not sure what will come of this but wanted to share my experience with perfection in imperfection.

Hope you enjoyed!!!!

FYI - I just want to add a great blogger (inetespionage) tweeted a Jezebel online magazine article titled "Why you must see untouched images, and why you must see them repeatedly" about our subconcious training to seek physical perfection and the suggestion that natural unaltered beauty is a problem. The super gorgeous and skinny also being unacceptable as is ...the article inspired me to tell this story.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Permeable Membrane

...I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have my everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time--everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.

One of the things that struck a chord within me while reading “Eat Pray Love” was Elizabeth Gilberts’ description of herself in love. She describes herself as a permeable membrane and I’m not sure if this is pathetic, naïve, or sad …… labels aside – I can relate. I’ve been that permeable membrane on many occasions, literally and figuratively. It’s easy to be that for someone else but hard to be for oneself and an even harder gift to receive.

I’ve always wanted to experience this sort of faith, devotion, and reverence. In a loving, sexually, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally connected relationship. I don’t think a mutual experience of this kind is unhealthy although many probably do. Perhaps not entertaining this degree of commitment, trust, and love is the issue. I notice a lot of people in relationships suffer from chronic dissatisfaction which is paranoia at the root. The disease renders it's victim color blind and has them convinced that the grass is greener on the other side. The grass looks so bright in this altered state that one becomes obsessed with the idea that their current relationships are no longer satisfactory. The obsession triggers the ego which becomes brazen and speaks in voices and tells us our various labels; race, job title, income, family name, education level, religious affiliations, gender roles, societal expectations, etc. entitles us to better. The disease in effect disables us and causes us to focus on the surface rather than the depth. The problem is, in our insanity the things we think we need actual make sense, but once attained feels wrong. It doesn’t nourish our soul, complement us, change our community, or world for the better. It causes internal eternal dissatisfaction.

My friend Nathan and I had a conversation a month after he dropped his girlfriend Delia and their child at the airport. They were leaving because she’d secured a job in Ghana (West Africa) that paid a nice monthly income which included a bonus for living expenses. Nathan works in Finance and had a great job before the mortgage melt down crisis. Although, he’s blessed (for many reasons) and is currently working as a consultant, their income is nowhere near where it once was. Due to financial difficulties his girlfriend exercised her logic skills and began working on a solution to their money issues. She applied for a job which would pay their mortgage, allow them to save money, and decided the sacrifice of separating their family was a necessary evil. Nat is extremely lonely – I felt his pain when we spoke. He explained that when Delia suggested finding work overseas he agreed because it seemed like an impossible goal to accomplish. Fast forward a couple of months and that goal is now their reality which has left my friend with a hole in his heart and a realization. He realized that the past three years almost never was………….

The conversation we had inspired this post. He told me

“there were a millions reasons why I could’ve and wanted to break up with Delia, nothing serious enough to make me initiate a break up, but the thought about what I “ should” have was always in the back of my mind e.g. a better cook, someone who spoke the language , more traditional, etc. The sad part about these thoughts is had I gone through with a break up for reasons that seem so insignificant today, I would have missed out on a huge responsibility that has brought immense joy to my life. Even crazier, I would have never known what I was missing and so would have believed that I did the right thing.”

That part of the conversation really sunk in and made me look at my past relationships and others through new eyes. Of course if a relationship is abusive, one sided, emotional destructive, etc I wouldn’t condone holding on to it at all cost. However, those of us who look at certain relationships as rest stops or not forever due to shallow reasoning – my post may be a wake up call in cultivating humility and selflessness. It may be an opportunity to honor love and practice giving unguarded with both feet in versus one in and one out.

Friday, August 6, 2010

That change will do me good

I haven’t worked out in 7 days, blogged consistently, recorded my intake or stuck to my eating routine which is to be super healthy 5 days and allow myself treats within reason on the weekend, my apartment is a mess, and I’ve been cheating on my budget. I’ve been playing video games, mini traveling, taking mental health days, trying to arrange dates * ignoring side eye – it’s been a while*, and cocooning myself in titillating, numbing, hedonistic pleasure for a few days. I’m learning that changing ones life is hard. It’s easy to live in the present and feel gratified – RIGHT NOW! Yet, I want to live in the present, enjoy every moment, quit fast forwarding my life, and thinking something better is on the horizon. I also need balance, life can’t be heady, aromatic, zestful, flavorful, gay, intoxicating, soul stirring, beyond pleasurable all the time or if can be …..It’s only right these joys should be earned? They shouldn’t be taken without a second thought about tomorrow – right??

My grandfather once told me “In my youth, I planted seeds to harvest the bounty in my old age”. I was thirteen or so when he said this to me, but recognized the innate truth in this statement. I’m young and should be working hard, laying the foundation for a great future, and enjoy life along the way. Those blessed with youth should recognize that time is on our side …for now. Especially if healthy; we have energy to spare, fast metabolisms, enough elbow room to make mistakes, and turn it all around. In turning it all around, I admit it’s not and won’t be easy, bad habits are hard to break especially enjoyable ones.

My post isn’t about berating myself but recognizing my mistakes. It’s about not getting defeated because I’m not perfect. It’s about culminating my lessons learned about perseverance, forgiveness, and regret. I have to say although your girls been slipping. I haven’t slipped too far because I’m use to doing more right than wrong these days. In the end it’s not about falling off the bike but getting up and trying to learn to ride anyway.

Poet’s day has officially ended – Piss off Early Tomorrow’s Saturday * wink*

I'm old enough to recognize the reward in hardwork is sweeter than the joys of temporary bliss.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Happy Birthday Mr. President

Happy Birthday Mr. President

I watched in amazement as you rallied a nation in 2008 and injected hope into our collective consciousness. Mr. President you aren’t just inspiring because you are the United States first black president which is a feat in itself. The reason you are inspiring is varied and wide. You have embody the spirit of the common man and represent the quintessentially “American Dream”, your story represents perseverance and shows us the reward earned thru hard work. I admire your start as a community organizer, your altruistic nature, and belief in yourself. I’ve had the honor of watching you speak on television and your oratory giftedness has moved me to tears and manifested “the grain of salt faith “in our nation that was lost. The citizens of the US have never been treated as more than dumb blind sheep call me naïve but I feel that you may actually respect us, and want to make this world a better place.

The “us” I speak of are; women, immigrants, undereducated people, unemployed, uninsured, weary soldiers, poor, minority, rich, etc. We thank you. The fact that you have endless swagger, desire your wife brains n booty, and light up when around your kids – doesn’t hurt. It’s a hard job you’ve taken on and you’re doing well. Stay True to you …..

Love Always,

The Nation

Friday, July 30, 2010

Writers Block

I have all these great post ideas; Philip Zimbardo’s Time Perspective theory, Monogamy, Honor Killings, and Going for broke. But, I can’t put seem to put any of these thoughts to paper because I’m presently in my Present-Hedonistic Person Time Perspective defined below.

Present-Hedonistic Person: Self indulgent, playful, enjoys all things that bring immediate pleasure and avoids those that involve much effort, work, planning, or unpleasantness. Lives to consume the good life and takes many different kinds of risks in part because he or she does not fully consider the realities of negative consequences and at the same time seeks stimulation and excitement. Is vulnerable to addictions of all sorts, regardless of knowledge of potential negative consequences. These people focus more on process and intrinsic motivation, rarely on products and extrinsically- motivated task performance. They are vulnerable to being caught up in social taps where short- term gains capture attention more than long- term negative consequences of imprudent actions. They do more poorly in academics (or when forced to function in future- oriented environments) than do the future people. However, where process and focus on immediate details is important, presents may do well, notably on some types of creative tasks, or activities with immediate feedback, such as video games. They can also enjoy play, sports, hobbies, high energy activities, intimacy, sexuality, parties, and may be more intense as friends. On the other hand, they are more emotional, volatile, easily upset, likely to violate convention and behave in anti-social ways, be delinquent, criminal, and aggressive.

Isn’t that great? I have to tell you about Zimbardo’s Time Perspective theory which may actually revolutionize that way we approach education, relationships, and define success. But, I can’t right now. I’m in weekend mode and ready to get out of my drab cubicle and enjoy my life. Sorry I’m totally blocked.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010


My dad suggested I write about forgiveness when I started this blog a few weeks back. I liked the idea but felt sort of hypocritical writing about a subject which I had no experience. Besides, I had a few unresolved beefs grilling. So, I nixed the idea and wrote about other things. Now I’ve never been one to hold a grudge because I say what’s on my mind, leave the sugar coat out, and move on just as quickly. I’m not the most diplomatic gentle person and have been called a sledge hammer on many occasions. Yet, my loyalty runs deep, I’d do anything for anyone I consider a friend ,and am generous to a fault. So, if I came to friend or family member and express a concern or complain about hurt feelings – I expect empathy, an apology ,and a plan to ensure said offense never happens again. If I don’t get those things in that order .... I usually go defective and the smiley jokey light person becomes a walking ticking Hiroshima bomb. When the bomb goes off, I end up losing one of the few friends I’ve got and am left wracked with guilt, resentment, and a leaky open emotional wound.

On my journey to self improvement something odd and inspiring has been happening. I’ve started looking at my life in a completely different way. Besides my silly questions conducive to getting fit such as “are you hungry? If so, do you want an apple? I’ve started being more aware of my behavior and stopped saying “I have a terrible temper” “ It isn’t my fault because I’m rarely angry” and “if I blew up – it’s because you pushed me! “ I’ve started to say “Is this worth fighting for or about?” I’ve often noticed that small annoyances are often blown out of proportion because they aren’t handled the right way. The blow outs usually erode my familial, friendship, and intimate bonds. Am I always at fault? No, of course not besides, I’m not so evolved that I’d take complete blame for every situation. I’ve been taken advantage of, misunderstood, and a glutton for punishment at times. The point is I always have control of the way I feel post misunderstanding or feeling “said person may not have my best interest at heart”. I always have the choice to walk away or work it out. Things never have to get to the Hiroshima bomb stage because it’s a drain on my energy and bad for my health. It never feels good to cut someone out of your life. The wound of a damaged relationship is covered with a band aid but never heals.

My understanding of forgiveness deepened this week. My phone has been ghost calling my contact list which is odd considering I have a new phone, no transferred contacts, and few sim card saved contacts. The people I’ve been purse dialing are folks I lost contact with or had fall outs with years past. My ghost contacts have allowed me to make amends and apologize to anyone left on the grill. Well, some people I made up with within the last year and today the last beef was squashed due to a ghost call. I’ll spare you the details. But, I’ve never felt so light and never realized I was so heavy. Some of the shit I fought about was so stupid and ridiculous. I’m not perfect and never will be. I’m always going to make mistakes and only hope to become wiser in the process. The point is as much as I want to be accepted for me flaws and all, I have to start excepting other for who they are as well. It doesn’t mean that I need to force friendships with people whose hurt me and minimize or justify bad behavior. It just means that I need to value myself enough to live in peace; free of negativity, grudges, and bitterness. Forgiveness is about choice, a choice to live well and not allow my emotions to be held hostage by someone else’s behavior. I’m too powerful to be anyone’s victim.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

No regrets anymore

Yesterday, I had tons of ideas , many different blog worthy topics. However, this little quote from the Dalai Lama aka “ HisHoliness” in twitter land really set my fingers to the keyboard

“When a positive goal has been set, you should pursue it all the way to the end. Even if it’s not realized, at least their will be no regrets. “

I really needed to hear this message and God……. is always on time. The hearts desire is always withheld or granted at the right moment, everything happens for a reason – right? I suppose that euphemism holds weight. I’ve been feeling somewhat defeated recently because changing my lifestyle hasn’t been easy. When I’m on point it’s enjoyable, empowering, and liberating. If faced with real life situations; computer needs to be fixed – no money in the budget, routine is thrown off making working out and eating specific things at certain times difficult, living my unpredicatable life, etc. feels disappointing. I don’t like how these curveballs affect my goals. My lack of control and incorrect handling of these situations have me feeling more negative than positive at times. The easiest way to make that sucky feeling go away is to quit. But, I’m not quitting anymore, in the eternal words of Theodore Roosevelt

"Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty... I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well."

I feel this statements innately correct. In the meanwhile, I refuse to feel disappointed or pat myself on the back until it’s bruised. I need to change my mindset and persevere. Every week isn’t going to be an ideal week and my assessments may not always reflect my desired results. Honestly, I’d rather be in route than sitting at a standstill, wondering what if? What if I really tried? What if I pushed through the tough times and sucky feelings? What if I really worked at it my goal every day or several hours a week? Deep inside the answer resides, I’d come thru it stronger, prouder, with better logic abilities, and honed skills.

Most importantly, I’d be living in the present moment. It would force me to savor every challenge overcome and every victory in the moment versus in reflection, allow the lesson to take root immediately, and finally live a life without regret.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Ladies; Should we be locking up the cookie jar?

Yesterday, I received an unexpected but always welcomed phone call from Ty (male friend).I know this sounds weird but we keep in touch via facebook, sporadic phone calls, and text messages. We don’t talk often but easily catch up when we do. In any event, we generally jump back into each others lives by discussing; work, health, and of course relationships. He asked – how my love life was going? I resisted the urge to bust out laughing and proceeded to say “What love life?” He was a bit confused because a few moths ago, I was on my way down that bumpy love trail. I simply summed up that relationship by saying “I got played “We both laughed hysterically. I admonished him for laughing at my misfortune while laughing alongside him a bit longer. I wasn’t angry in fact it felt good to laugh about such a painful event. The betrayal had just begun to sink in these last few weeks; during my commute, while running, walking alone, thinking, etc, my memories would trigger emotions. Emotions that quite frankly, I don’t think I’m ready to deal with therefore, won’t share at this time. The laughter we shared was due to the way I summed up the situation and my “Pre played” relationship plan.

Now let me tell you about my “Pre played “relationship plan which Ty was pretty familiar with. My plan was to take it back to the old school, take things slow, allow myself to be courted while getting to really know any potential’s. I was going to somewhat disregard the sexually liberating high women are currently on and cross my legs for a good minute or until I found that freak em worthy man. In order to avoid making the same mistakes twice, and finding myself not wanting to let go of bad fits due to emotional investments. I blamed it on the release of Oxytocin (love hormone) which intensifies bonding during sex – another blog topic. So, when I met the unexpected player I thought I was prepared – cookie jar lock - secured. My reasoning was men wanting to play silly games wouldn’t have the patience to go through the “getting to know me process” - great way to filter. Ty did tell me two years prior that my plan wouldn’t make a difference. But, I disagreed and proceeded with my plan based on personal experience. End result – rib cracking irony laced laughter.

Ty finally explained the reason for nixing the “locking the cookie jar” plan and why he thought it wouldn’t matter “it’s being handed out freely around the corner”. My plan to improve my relationships would put me in the minority category which may not work in a society filled with short attention spans and accustomed to instant gratification. I pondered……. he added “I truly believe that the sexual liberation of women is one of the factors attributing to the decline in marriage”. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy sex and the ability to enter sexual relationships without being labeled by society, independence, equality. But, I wondered – could he be right? In my situation, I invested 8 – 9 months of my life; sharing personal information, constantly texting / talking, weekly dinners, mini trips, group get togethers, etc. before getting down and dirty and it didn’t matter. My trust was unknowingly beaten and abused for nearly a year. In fact, relaying that experience to Ty who isn’t easily shocked had him speechless in a” Where dey do dat at?” kind of way. My situation was horrific and has left me uninterested in any pair bonding – for now. So, whose right? What’s the correct way to go about entering and sustaining a healthy relationship? I don’t know but welcome any advice.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Read my Medium Raw challenge essay: To cook well is to honor life - Vote for me

Read my Medium Raw challenge essay: To cook well is to honor life

To Cook Well is to Honor Life - Vote for me

To Cook Well Is to Honor Life
by Othaniel S Cruickshank

To eat and savor a well prepared meal is to honor your life, by living it to the fullest. Good food represents nourishment and many other things as well. It symbolizes sensuality, spirituality, love, open – mindedness, comfort, acceptance, adventure, passion, and even political positions. Deliciously prepared food is as customary as the sun rising and setting.

My fondest memories involve deliciously prepared food. I remember as a child going to Auntie Esther’s house for family events and my mouth watering as I entered her home. The smell of cloves, thyme, lemon marinades, black pepper, and garlic permeated the air, floating outdoors, and beckoning myself, neighbors and strangers to hurry inside. The crackling of fried beef, fish, chicken promising a satisfying meal, laughs, salacious gossip and a good time for all. The kitchen being the center of the home where younger members paid their dues by prepping and washing endless pots and pans while learning. Tastings from the simmering pots being extensions of love doled out ceremoniously also temptations to be snuck and gobbled up secretly. Even the drinks were explosions of flavor, extensions of our meal. A hint of vanilla was added to the Rum Punch, and everyone was excited about Cremmase; the thick, sweet, texture of milk and rum delicious coated our tongues and burned our throats. In my family, prepared meals represents ones worth ethic therefore something to be passionate about.

My families’ inherent passion for prepared meals was a part of our character and lifestyle. My father is a former carnivore, turned vegan environmentalist interested in eating clean before it became fashionable. My dad decided to become vegan while my mom was pregnant with me. As with many parents wanting the best for their kids, he obsessed about my brothers and I ate. My immediate families’ diet was legendary among extended family and friends. My father voted at the cash register and boycotted the abundance of artificially processed food and unpronounceable preservatives; baked our whole wheat bread from scratch, made dough for our pizza, switched us to soy milk, whipped up delicious salad, created salad dressings with herb infused olive oil, juiced all of our juices, and introduced my brothers and I to the taste of fresh delicious food. He taught us how to honor our bodies.

My association with food reflecting love and comfort matured into something different as an adult. Since I’d been introduced to two completely different and wonderful ways of eating, my curiosity took over. I discovered my love for different foods by adventurously trying West African, Indian, Philippine, Thai, Turkish, Mexican, Italian, etc and other foods culturally foreign to me. One of my favorite things to do with my ex – finances family was to lovingly share a meal. The resident family chef would cook a delicious meal and tantalizingly arrange it on 2 or 3 large platters which up to 8 people could feast upon. The closeness and intimacy made me feel accepted and welcomed into his family. When he and I cooked and eventually shared a meal, it transcended intimacy and became sensual, deepening our love. Food that is prepared well and enjoyed symbolizes a full life

Busy Bee

To my loyal readers :D , I apologize for not updating this blog. My life is a little crazier than normal at this exact moment, busy at work, attempting to write 2 essays, 1 magazine article , running 3 days a week, attempting the 100 push up challenge (canceled gym membership - no weight machine access), balancing the budget while having fun, and have been cooking alot more in my effort to become healthier all around. I'm starting to Beez about it (lol) versus talking about it and am realizing there really isn't enough hours in the day and thats OK. I will try to post two entries one day this week and get a bit more personal - ooooooohhhh.

Until then - Au Revoir

Friday, July 16, 2010

Much Ado About Chad Ochocinco

Unless, you’ve been living under a rock, you are aware of the Chad Ochocinco rumblings. A production member and a former contestant have sent emails to various bloggers and media outlets” accusing him of not wanting any black women on his show”. They went on to referencing his pre casting elimination process and comments. I can’t speak to the validity of any of these claims because I wasn’t there. Nonetheless, many of the almost non existent black women were eliminated from his reality show “Ultimate catch”. The eliminations resulted in a backlash from predominately black media outlets accusing Ochocinco of suffering from internalized racism; for having such a low percentage of black women on the show and rejecting the ones available to him.

Internalized Racism is a whole other blog topic which I will post about soon. However, I will touch on it briefly for those who unfamiliar with the term; Internalized racism occurs when people who are targeted by racism, are against their will, coerced and pressured to agree with distortions of racism. In societies where racist attitudes are pervasive and damaging, the victims are forced to turn these thoughts, stereotypes, attitudes, and beliefs upon themselves – agreeing with some of the conditioning, internalizing negative racist messages, resulting in mistreating oneself and members of one’s group, in the same ways they’ve been mistreated. A few examples;

• Victims of Internalized Racism see themselves or members of their as stupid, lazy, unimportant, or inferior
• Victims of Internalized Racism criticize or verbally attack each other, using the racist messages of our societies, or allow others in their group to do so.
• Victims of Internalized Racism often feel hopeless, despairing, and angry, which can makes them vulnerable to the lure of alcohol and other drugs for "relief" from those feelings; even though they know that this does additional harm to ourselves and our families.
• Victims of Internalized Racism often feel disconnected from other members of their group, or divide or categorize each other by behaviors or lifestyles, believing that some of us are "better" or "more legitimate" than others and that what some others do is "not part of" our cultures..
• Victims of Internalized Racism place higher value on members of their group who appear more white, and denigrate those who have darker skin, kinkier hair, or other "less white" features. We also do the reverse--we target those with lighter skins as not being "black enough," not legitimate persons of color.

No black person in western world has been spared from this defense mechanism. We are all still dealing with the effects of slavery, racism, and the effects of the institutionally racist world we inhabit. I barely scratched the surface and would like to address major breakthroughs in counseling, defined Internalized Oppression, expand on how it affects our community, leadership, individual relationships, children, causes us to internalized stereotypes , narrow black culture, mistrust our thinking and our people, etc. I’d also like to add my two cents (personal experience) but can’t in this post because I’d be here all day. The point is the anger directed at Ochocino isn’t superficial. As black women we expect to be revered, honored, desired, loved, and protected by black men – automatically. If anyone can appreciate our beauty regardless of how the media (based on us being ignored, overlooked, or sprinkled into mainstream advertisement, movies, shows, etc) see us – they can. The elimination of the few black contestants felt like a betrayal of the conspiratorial “Were in this together pact”. Going back to the show, I believe that’s why it caused an uproar.

Ms. Ethnicity offered a different perspective via twitter yesterday based on her personal relationship with Ochocino (5 years) and her experience in the “Ultimate catch’s” casting process. Ms.Ethnicity owns a talent agency name “Ethnicity Talent” her company was offered the opportunity to cast for Ochocino’s show “Ultimate catch”. She stated that the decision to take the job was a struggle and doesn’t personally believe in numerous women competing on a show for a man’s love – men should do the chasing. However, knowing Ochocino on a personal level helped quell her doubts. She knows him as an honorable man who would never mistreat the women or embarrass them in anyway, and felt it would be a fun experience, felt confident casting not only because she’d been in the industry for 10 years but was well aware of Ochocino’s type; predominantly African American with a sprinkling of other ethnicities but all curvy in the right places. She sent a list of suitable girls who Ochocino would definitely like to the main casting director, who reviewed the list, and was shocked to find out they only wanted to interview 5 of her girls – her immediate thoughts were they didn’t want the show to be “too black”. A term commonly used in the entertainment industry.

Ms Ethnicity goes on to say;

“Meanwhile Chad is taping dancing with the stars this entire time so he's not involved in the casting process at all. As soon as DWTS ends time for Chad to show up to start taping his show, his first time seeing any of the girls was the first day of taping!! He does what the producers tell him to do; they producers already know which girls are good for TV because they were holding extensive interviews the whole time Chad was doing DWTS. So on that clip board they handed him the names and numbers of the girls the producers casted for the show was already listed.”

“The show is not real! its casted, Chad is paid talent to play a role on a show. Trust me I've never seen him date any girls that look like the girls that were casted for that show except for maybe Rubi for 1-he likes to pursue not be pursued 2-the type of chicks he REALLY likes in REAL life weren’t even casted.”

On twitter, Ms. Ethnicity went on to say Ochocino couldn’t comment on the rumors since he’s under contract but felt compelled to do so on his behalf. She went on to ask her followers on twitter who they would pretend to be for money, and went on to say the “Nas, Ochie Wally” video was the video that made her a contender in the casting world. Yet, it was far from the image desired for her brand – a learning experience. Many people on twitter as well as I believes this “pretending” is a compromise of values. I honestly feel like him pretending to like everything other than black women is worse them him not liking black women. We as African American’s are still living with the psychological effects of slavery, racism and Institutionalized Racism. As unfair as it is, African American’s in the public eye (role models) don’t have the luxury of doing things for money, without regarding its effect on the community. Especially something as damaging as the “Ultimate Catch”, not only because it perpetuates negative stereotypes; black men with money only date white women. It reinforces internalized racism. The hurt felt over the first few episodes of the show isn’t superficial; it runs much deeper than the eye can see.

*Internalized Racism -

Tuesday, July 13, 2010



The ability to bear difficulties calmly and without complaint, trying again and again, commitment, hard work, caring, and patience. I’ve always been an ambitious, hardworking, dreamer but am now realizing though I get up when I fall – I haven’t always persevered. I’ve been confusing self discipline which I can maintain in sporadic spurts with perseverance. Self – Discipline is different; it’s an orderly or prescribed conduct or pattern of behavior. If the pattern is disrupted, it’s often replaced by discouragement. Discipline itself is a great thing but has a negative connotation, a few words that pops into my head are forced, rigid, and painful.

I’m attributing everything to Saturn Returns, the lessons I’m learning, and serendipitous occurrences that are enforcing these lessons. My heart is now open to truly being better, I’ve stopped focusing on the results, and my life has become even more enjoyable. I’m committed to eating better, working out, saving money, honing my skills, letting go of my fears, stop people pleasing ,and being the best possible me. God, The Universe, Ultimate Source or whatever you address this higher being as is conspiring to help me by keeping me motivated. I’m now having random informative conversations about nutrition with people who I’ve never discussed breakfast option with, located a how to pitch to magazines article online, found 2 calls for essay submissions, read an article in Psychology Today encouraging folks to get back on the wagon when they fall off while detailing long term benefits of not giving up, felt inspired by one of my favorite bloggers post on turning 31 years old ( detailing the work need to accomplish her goals / believing in herself (belleinbrooklyn)), etc.

I even found this kooky book titled “Live what you love” written by Melinda and Bob Blanchard in the 50% off clearance section at B&N ( unsure of why it was even there). Anyways,I go there almost every day during lunch and read a chapter of my current book of interest, in an effort to save money, of course :). I flipped the pages and ended on up page 15 and read the most, hilarious, inspiring, nutty personal essay about the couple entering a wedding cake contest for a Today Show wedding. The Blanchard’s aren’t pastry chefs, don’t own a bakery, and never even made a wedding cake prior to them entering the contest. They own a restaurant in Anguilla and had been on the show a couple times as a result. The on air wedding which was to be award to one lucky couple was being held in Anguilla, and one the producers thought of them for the contest (Anguilla association).

Any “normal” person would have said “Thanks for thinking of me but no thanks.” – Not the Blanchard’s. They accepted the job naively thinking they could pull off a “cake” and started researching designs and techniques. It wasn’t long before they realized they were in over their heads and didn’t know the difference between fondant or buttercream – wedding cakes after all are an art form. They didn’t want to back out and lose their Today show contact. So, they got to work versus being scared of their more experienced cake decorator/ pastry chef competitors and focused on their strengths. They knew island of Anguilla like the back of their hand and set out to create a cake that reflected that knowledge. They spent months perfecting their cake, baked endless cakes to find one that layered properly with buttercream, took walks to find the perfect boat that represented the island, made 100’s of umbrellas that were either too weak (thin) or amateurish looking (thick), consulted for hours with a friend who had experience baking / decorating cakes. They also faced disaster when their perfected product was put into the refrigerator the night before the show and turned an awful shade of purple and black (buttercream and the cold tempeture = bad idea).The couple didn’t despair but rolled up their sleeves and baked another cake, getting it in under the wire.

They didn’t win that competition but ended up with a great cake and the ability to recreate one.

Perseverance is a word that I need to add to my personal lexicon. I’m glad that I’ve learned this lesson.

Monday, July 12, 2010

I get .......

I read an article in Runner’s World (7/2010) magazine written by Kristin Armstrong titled “Get out there “(running – and life – should be a celebration, not a chore). The author goes on to explain her daily routine: wake –up, guzzle cup o Joe, pack lunches, herd kids to school, walk the dog, write and be creative on demand, drink more coffee, squeeze in some yoga, prepare a nutritious dinner, drive kids to activities, return to nest, cook, help with homework, eat, wash dishes, read stories, give tickles, say prayers, collapse (them, me). Repeat. She goes on to explain as a runner when entering races things gets tricky , sprinkling in long runs ,and speed work complicates her life. The weight of her responsibilities feels like an x-ray apron that rests heavy on ones chest in a dentist chair. In order to cope with feelings of stress, an attitude adjustment was in order. She has decided to express gratitude over the things she was able to do this small change has changed her life for the better. I can believe that because reading her article created this feeling of lightness within me.

I don’t have as many responsibilities as Kristin. I’m a single woman, no kids, and I come and go as I please, all I have is time, to address my needs, wants, and emotional concerns. However, I can admit that I’m very ungrateful at times. I complain constantly about my weight, job, hair, someone not moving fast enough, people annoying me, where I’m at in life, etc. Some of my complaints are valid ex: my anger @ BP for the massive oil spill that’s destroying the ecosystem, world hunger, neglected children, our bullshit educational system, etc, but most of them are silly. Kristin’s epiphany feels innately right – “I get “should start many of my sentences.

I get to run, who cares that I currently gasp for air, there are people living without the use of their legs.

I get to work at a company which pays me well and appreciates my efforts at, who cares that all my brain cells aren’t utilized / not a career. It’s a great place to work while finishing up my degree.

I get to breath air, feel different textures, hear beautiful music, see majestic sights, who cares that I’d not at my ideal weight, I appreciate the skin that I’m in, and have the ability to work toward a fitter body.

So on and so forth…..

I love it when I come across article like “Get out there” it really puts things in perspective and allows me to truly see the bigger picture. In an attempt to be more grateful, I’m thankful that I read this at a time my heart was open to change and the message could truly sink in and change my perspective a bit.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Pledge Now

Get Adobe Flash player

Waiting for "Superman"

I'd like everyone to pledge to see Waiting for " Superman". A documentary which address our nation's educational promise " No child left behind".

* 32 million adults in the US have trouble reading a children's picture book

* US ranks 25th in math and 21st in science among 30 developed countries.

* By year 2020, there will be 123 million high paying job, high skilled jobs in the US, but only 50 million Americana's will be qualified to fill these positions.

* Approximately 50% of teachers leave the profession after 6 years.

* 51% of students drop out of High School.

Waiting for "Superman" address the bullet points above and other issues, while discussing solutions. An educated, healthy, nation is a prosperous one - Please take the Pledge.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Mr. Big and Carrie - Sex in the City

I'm on twitter, another social networking website. I'm not only shocked to be apart of the scratch your butt update craze but secretly relish the new updates from my connects. I follow alot of different blogs and heart them all. The cool thing is many of my favorite bloggers are on twitter and shout out their favorite bloggers random post via tweets. So, I'm all kinds of connected and my blog monster is constantly fed. I've noticed a disappointing trend while devouring my informative meals. Many of the female bloggers have knighted their asshole boyfriends who they can't shake " Mr. Big".

Mr. Big is the asshole boyfriend archetype. The guy whose expanded your limited horizons at any period of time, with who ones experienced unrequited love (comfortable ego boosting beneficial lust on Big's part),enjoyed good or amazing sex with, shared special moments, good conversations, innately bad for his "Carrie" ( snake charming abilities), heart breaker, etc. The traits just mentioned along with many others makes big a toxic and energy draining partner. Carrie for example was swept away by Big's looks , debonair style, swagger, other superficial things but could never feel comfortable in their relationship. She couldn't trust him enough to be her imperfect self, give him her unguarded heart, reciprocate love, appreciate her, and be the woman he couldn't live without. I always hated that Sex in the city romanticized a relationship between Carrie and Big. Carrie cheated on a man who wanted to share his life, name, and world with her(Adian) for a man who took a job in another country without thinking of her, wouldn't give her a key or allow her to leave a toothbrush at his place, married a random chick shortly after their break us, professed love after her new partner asked her to move out of the country, and finally left her at the altar on their wedding day. He broke my heart and i was just a viewer. I'm sorry ladies that's not love. We don't love that way , therefore deserve a whole lot better.So for all the women calling that man in their life " Mr. Big". Let it go ........

I attended a together apart event which I encourage everyone to experience. It's a discussion about relationships involving both men and women. One woman in the audience said something very profound after one of the panelist admitted to being guarded in her relationships. She said " We as woman need to have faith that we'll find someone that's right for us, we can't say that we have faith and continually find ourselves in bad relationships, returning to them, and addressing fears by settling ". I have to tell you her comment forced me to look inward and admit that my faith hadn't been strong. My lack of faith was the reason my comfortable first love , who hurt me many times in many different ways, was my " Mr.Big ". I've decided to trust my intuition and not even entertain potential partners if I'm not feeling it 110%. I was forced to learn this lesson again recently by the way of a betrayal by a man considered a friend. If it isn't or doesn't feel right, let it go and have no doubts.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Real Beauty

Who defines beauty? and even better yet.....Why do we let them? I was inspired to write this post based on an Oprah show titled " Beauty around the world with Jessica Simpson". I know .....Jessica's " The "is tuna chicken?" girl" yet she dared the audience to question the status quo by discussing her feelings on the medias beauty standards. She discussed being criticized about her weight constantly in various tabloid rags and the now infamous January 2010 chili performance debacle. The non performance related incident that caused quite a stir was her decision to wear high waisted , wide legged jeans, now dubbed " Mom Jeans" , and garnered these headlines “Jessica Simpson: This is How She Rolls” (TMZ) and “Jessica Simpson Shocks Fans With Noticeably Fuller Figure” (Fox News). The audience seemed shocked to discover that Simpson was only a size 4 in those pics and has never been bigger than a size 6. What does that say about the rest of us when, the average woman in the US is a size 14 ( whole other blog topic). The point is if a size 4/6 is labeled shockingly unattractive. Does this make the average woman hideous? IDK,I think that's a fair question.

I visited China via Oprah's camera lens and met with the Anna Wintour of Chinese Vogue, Angelica Chenug. Angelica discussed the media's influence on Chinese beauty and the tutelage necessary to encourage woman to spend obscene amounts on clothes and beauty products; explaining hosiery and the need to own them, defining the 60's, 70's, onward, and explaining trends that were resurfacing and are those that are currently dated - pesky communist beliefs kept women out of the loop. She now has the honor of now plastering the right faces with the centimeter of exposed eyelid ( slightly western so prettier - obviously, couture costumes, and expensive must have bags on the magazine. Dictating who Chinese women should want to look like and emulate. After all, years ago there was no difference between the people from the mainland or villages (problem). As a result, China's plastic surgery industry has exploded, young girls in China now deem Barbie prettier than their own Chinese dolls, and their nations has joined many others in this love/hate relationship with ourselves.

The beauty industry is profit driven just like any other business. Do you really think they want us to be satisfied with ourselves for a second - absolutely not. They will continue to inundate us with brainwashing advertisement which stirs up discontent within, breeds sins like jealousy , and encourage us to covet our neighbors; hair, body, designer clothes, luxury car, house, title, ipad, etc. It will take us a bit further from true happiness and we'll do the work of brainwashing our kids to hate themselves, in the process creating the next generation of loyal customers. The beauty industries created this unattainable airbrushed image of beauty so that the work that needs to be done with the various eye creams, clothes, highlights, blow dryers, perms, diets, youth serums, cosmetic procedures, etc never ceases. The industry isn't a billion dollar industry for nothing people.

It will be hard to change. I know all of this and still find myself defaulting to my encouraged way of thinking when assessing myself. I often back track and start again, but I'm aware. I think being aware is most important and will help prevent this poisonous mindset from affecting the next generation. I'm by no means encouraging people to treat their bodies like trash bags by eating crap, not exercising, flossing, chain smoking, or playing Russian Roulette with ones liver. I am saying if you're doing the right thing 90% of the time which is loving oneself. Look in the mirror and say my crows feet or grey hair isn't an issue , it reflects wisdom, and tell your reflection that you love him/her.