I'm not ready

My love life has been on and poppin *snap snappity snap* these past few weeks; a few missed connections have resurfaced allowing for a potential redo, an ex came out of the wood work making grand declarations and proclamations suggesting forever, poetry has been written for me, and I have a great prospect in a funny, lovable, honorable man. The universe is speaking and letting me know that I have options. It may be because I went through a terrible ordeal when I last opened my heart and decided to shelter that good- natured, jump out the window, adventurous, love you 110% girl. God may be trying to tell me don’t settle there are plenty of fish *wink* in the sea and men who’ll fit your criteria and even believe in your courting approach. When you’re ready it is written – it’ll happen.

I say this to focus on the “when you’re ready part” because even though your girl has options. It doesn’t mean, I’m playing my cards right. I know exactly what I need to bring to the table to make any scenario work especially if the men above have good intentions. But, I can’t even put a little bit of effort in anything. I’m tired. And it’s Ok. Relationships take so much out of an individual and you have to go into one committed to putting the work in, that yields the great times and results. People say “I just want it to be easy” or “it shouldn’t be so hard” but that isn’t true, relationships require work. I’m not sure if this is unfortunate or fortunate but I’m just not willing to do it right now. I’m more than Ok not having to take someone else perspective, emotional well being, and feelings into account. Even if the rewards are out of this world.

I’m Ok being by myself. I’m Ok spending hours playing video games, reading, writing, spending time with family, crowded sleep over’s, watching ridiculous movies that only interest me, preparing and enjoying vegetarian meals, hanging out at boring museums for hours, stretching out across my bed, not answering questions about my schedule, looking a hot mess at times, planning vacations to non resort type places, and using toys that lovers find offensive. I’m not ready to worry about someone feeling excluded, give up, or compromising on any of these things. I’m good hanging with me for now ……Sorry

Perfection in Imperfection

I need to address my absence for my few loyal readers; Popcorn and Dad (lol). Work has been crazy!!!! We are in the midst of a system conversion and it’s been project after endless project. The project doesn’t include my normal assignments which have been put off for about two weeks – things have been hectic. I’m not complaining because I’m grateful to have a job and be able to maintain my swag *wink*. So, I apologize for my absence but have been gone with good reason.

Today’s post is a little random but heart warming. I walked into work today ½ hour late but feeling great. My morning was crazy. Due to not working out, stress cooking deliciously rich pasta dishes, and not calculating my intake during the last few weeks my shirts were a bit snug in the bust area this morning. I managed to stay calm and quickly decided to thrown on a gray knit ¾ sleeve knee length dress with a cowl neck and a slim patent leather belt. It’s been raining in NYC therefore a bit chilly; my dress alternative was perfect, chic, forgiving, flattering, and professional. The only problem is I couldn’t find the belt for this dress. I spent at least 20 minutes going through all my accessories, storage spaces, etc. while admonishing myself for not scaling down enough and being more organized. By the time I found my belt, I was officially late for work. I called my boss to let him know that I missed the train, threw on a bit of make up, rolled my eyes at my crazy hair and ran out the door.

I was a lot calmer by the time I reached the metro north (croissant helped), less annoyed about my hair since it was drizzling, and I didn’t have an umbrella. My boss knew I was running late so I was calm and looking forward to a pleasant commute and catching up on my reading. In the midst of my texting, reading, and attempting to smooth out my frazzled appearance - time flew. My 30 minute train ride felt like 5 minutes but I was ready to start my day. As the train pulled into my station, folks barreled down the aisle, locking the person closer to the window in their seat. I noticed an attractive unassuming gentleman ahead of me who appeared to be blocked in by people rushing off the train. I stopped to allow him to get out of his seat. I was already late – my time zone(hot mess central). He turned to me as said “I’m not stuck just inspired”. I might have furrowed my brow in confusion when he handed me a piece of paper and added “I wrote a poem for you”. As an avid reader, I was impressed, touched and overwhelmed. I immediately gave him a warm sincere “Thank you” and watched him rush off the train in another direction.

I tried to read the poem as I walked over to my shuttle bus but couldn’t within the crazy people traffic. When I reached the shuttle bus, I pulled out the poem titled “To the Soulful Sister Noticed” and was immediately overwhelmed by the idea of me being inspiring and seeing myself through someone else’s eyes ; skin tone, energy, grace, beauty , etc. I won’t overshare because it’s personal, beautiful and I want to respect the author. He left his number on the back and an offer to meet up for tea – classy. It made me feel so good because it was sweet, romantic, original, old world feeling (courting), flattering, IDK. My hands down best date request experience, I’m not sure what will come of this but wanted to share my experience with perfection in imperfection.

Hope you enjoyed!!!!

FYI - I just want to add a great blogger (inetespionage) tweeted a Jezebel online magazine article titled "Why you must see untouched images, and why you must see them repeatedly" about our subconcious training to seek physical perfection and the suggestion that natural unaltered beauty is a problem. The super gorgeous and skinny also being unacceptable as is ...the article inspired me to tell this story.

Permeable Membrane

...I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have my everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time--everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.

One of the things that struck a chord within me while reading “Eat Pray Love” was Elizabeth Gilberts’ description of herself in love. She describes herself as a permeable membrane and I’m not sure if this is pathetic, naïve, or sad …… labels aside – I can relate. I’ve been that permeable membrane on many occasions, literally and figuratively. It’s easy to be that for someone else but hard to be for oneself and an even harder gift to receive.

I’ve always wanted to experience this sort of faith, devotion, and reverence. In a loving, sexually, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally connected relationship. I don’t think a mutual experience of this kind is unhealthy although many probably do. Perhaps not entertaining this degree of commitment, trust, and love is the issue. I notice a lot of people in relationships suffer from chronic dissatisfaction which is paranoia at the root. The disease renders it's victim color blind and has them convinced that the grass is greener on the other side. The grass looks so bright in this altered state that one becomes obsessed with the idea that their current relationships are no longer satisfactory. The obsession triggers the ego which becomes brazen and speaks in voices and tells us our various labels; race, job title, income, family name, education level, religious affiliations, gender roles, societal expectations, etc. entitles us to better. The disease in effect disables us and causes us to focus on the surface rather than the depth. The problem is, in our insanity the things we think we need actual make sense, but once attained feels wrong. It doesn’t nourish our soul, complement us, change our community, or world for the better. It causes internal eternal dissatisfaction.

My friend Nathan and I had a conversation a month after he dropped his girlfriend Delia and their child at the airport. They were leaving because she’d secured a job in Ghana (West Africa) that paid a nice monthly income which included a bonus for living expenses. Nathan works in Finance and had a great job before the mortgage melt down crisis. Although, he’s blessed (for many reasons) and is currently working as a consultant, their income is nowhere near where it once was. Due to financial difficulties his girlfriend exercised her logic skills and began working on a solution to their money issues. She applied for a job which would pay their mortgage, allow them to save money, and decided the sacrifice of separating their family was a necessary evil. Nat is extremely lonely – I felt his pain when we spoke. He explained that when Delia suggested finding work overseas he agreed because it seemed like an impossible goal to accomplish. Fast forward a couple of months and that goal is now their reality which has left my friend with a hole in his heart and a realization. He realized that the past three years almost never was………….

The conversation we had inspired this post. He told me

“there were a millions reasons why I could’ve and wanted to break up with Delia, nothing serious enough to make me initiate a break up, but the thought about what I “ should” have was always in the back of my mind e.g. a better cook, someone who spoke the language , more traditional, etc. The sad part about these thoughts is had I gone through with a break up for reasons that seem so insignificant today, I would have missed out on a huge responsibility that has brought immense joy to my life. Even crazier, I would have never known what I was missing and so would have believed that I did the right thing.”

That part of the conversation really sunk in and made me look at my past relationships and others through new eyes. Of course if a relationship is abusive, one sided, emotional destructive, etc I wouldn’t condone holding on to it at all cost. However, those of us who look at certain relationships as rest stops or not forever due to shallow reasoning – my post may be a wake up call in cultivating humility and selflessness. It may be an opportunity to honor love and practice giving unguarded with both feet in versus one in and one out.

That change will do me good

I haven’t worked out in 7 days, blogged consistently, recorded my intake or stuck to my eating routine which is to be super healthy 5 days and allow myself treats within reason on the weekend, my apartment is a mess, and I’ve been cheating on my budget. I’ve been playing video games, mini traveling, taking mental health days, trying to arrange dates * ignoring side eye – it’s been a while*, and cocooning myself in titillating, numbing, hedonistic pleasure for a few days. I’m learning that changing ones life is hard. It’s easy to live in the present and feel gratified – RIGHT NOW! Yet, I want to live in the present, enjoy every moment, quit fast forwarding my life, and thinking something better is on the horizon. I also need balance, life can’t be heady, aromatic, zestful, flavorful, gay, intoxicating, soul stirring, beyond pleasurable all the time or if can be …..It’s only right these joys should be earned? They shouldn’t be taken without a second thought about tomorrow – right??

My grandfather once told me “In my youth, I planted seeds to harvest the bounty in my old age”. I was thirteen or so when he said this to me, but recognized the innate truth in this statement. I’m young and should be working hard, laying the foundation for a great future, and enjoy life along the way. Those blessed with youth should recognize that time is on our side …for now. Especially if healthy; we have energy to spare, fast metabolisms, enough elbow room to make mistakes, and turn it all around. In turning it all around, I admit it’s not and won’t be easy, bad habits are hard to break especially enjoyable ones.

My post isn’t about berating myself but recognizing my mistakes. It’s about not getting defeated because I’m not perfect. It’s about culminating my lessons learned about perseverance, forgiveness, and regret. I have to say although your girls been slipping. I haven’t slipped too far because I’m use to doing more right than wrong these days. In the end it’s not about falling off the bike but getting up and trying to learn to ride anyway.

Poet’s day has officially ended – Piss off Early Tomorrow’s Saturday * wink*

I'm old enough to recognize the reward in hardwork is sweeter than the joys of temporary bliss.

Happy Birthday Mr. President

Happy Birthday Mr. President

I watched in amazement as you rallied a nation in 2008 and injected hope into our collective consciousness. Mr. President you aren’t just inspiring because you are the United States first black president which is a feat in itself. The reason you are inspiring is varied and wide. You have embody the spirit of the common man and represent the quintessentially “American Dream”, your story represents perseverance and shows us the reward earned thru hard work. I admire your start as a community organizer, your altruistic nature, and belief in yourself. I’ve had the honor of watching you speak on television and your oratory giftedness has moved me to tears and manifested “the grain of salt faith “in our nation that was lost. The citizens of the US have never been treated as more than dumb blind sheep call me naïve but I feel that you may actually respect us, and want to make this world a better place.

The “us” I speak of are; women, immigrants, undereducated people, unemployed, uninsured, weary soldiers, poor, minority, rich, etc. We thank you. The fact that you have endless swagger, desire your wife brains n booty, and light up when around your kids – doesn’t hurt. It’s a hard job you’ve taken on and you’re doing well. Stay True to you …..

Love Always,

The Nation
XOXOXOXO