Above The Influence of ........their opinion

OMG!!!!!! pleaaaaaasse shut up.....

I'm so tired of talking, reading, and thinking about relationships. Honestly, it's out of control - as a woman I can't escape the chatter; talk shows, therapy,random conversation with friends, blog topics, magazine articles, etc. I don't need anymore advice or opinions; wear more/ less make up, work out (skinny is in) don't (curves are the biz), smile more (but not too much you may get taken advantage of), settle ( no ones perfect), don't settle/ compromise on anything ( money, house w 2 car garage, and white picket fence - Does it matter that he may be a workaholic who you'll never see? ).........

Uh, I've already come to the realization - I'm perfect in my imperfection, worthy and deserving of love. Oh yea, by the way....I don't want to live in the suburbs and rather a family orientated guy.

* huge sigh*

I spent my 20's in a long term relationship (mini marriage) because I fell hopelessly in love. But, I stayed past the relationship's expiration date because I was afraid of starting over. Afraid of starting over? In retrospect, my thought process was just absurd " afraid of starting over" ......I was 25. I should have been enjoying my life, creating memorable experiences, finding my self, been flexible,and embracing change which always translates into spiritual and emotional growth.

Unfortunately, I didn't do that.....I allowed myself to react to the relationship hysterics "try to wrangle a man even the wrong one before you end up alone". Although, I didn't necessarily believe in the chatter - I still did dumb ish to be safe. I've never had a problem attracting a man. All of the men whose honored me by aligning their lives with mine for whatever period of time ... loved me (still do). The majority of my relationships's have been serious but none have lasted more than a few years. Our relationships were laboratories for growth. We came together until there was nothing left to learn individually or as a unit. All of my most profound relationships ......just happened. I didn't look for them which is telling......

In my experience, whenever I forced a union for any reason; dating someone I'm not attracted to out of fear of being alone or "missing out on something that could be "it" -it's ended with disastrous results. We as women need to tune out all the white noise and focus on ourselves and enjoying our lives. Men do this because GI Joe didnt come with a castrated GI Jane. We can't plan our happiness around a person because there are too many variable; mostly he or she may have an objection or two.

The result of allowing everyone else's fear to seep into your subconscious is dissatisfaction with oneself, tension, influenced actions, and unnecessary stress . I'm by no means saying don't date - I loooooove men and their company *wink*. I'm just suggesting living in faith versus fear and focusing on our selves, our desires, intuition, and things important to onesself versus living under artificial pressure or fear.

I still love my Ex

Since the few readers I had ...left me - no need to apologize for my lack of blogging :)

Besides being busy, stressed out, and overwhelmed with my full time work and school schedule. I'm still hopelessly in love with my ex - boyfriend. My friends are disgusted by the idea , roll their eyes, and sigh heavily if I even broach the subject.....crazy thing is they're absolutely right. The relationship lasted 3 months at best, sort of rocky from day one, and icky toward the end. Our personalities and love languages didn't even share the same zip code....yet there was still an intense attraction and swift emotional connection.


The thing I love most about our relationship was neither one of us was looking. Our meeting was serindipitous.

I saw guy at school who reminded me of him today and I eye f&cked the shit out of him - LOL. Poor guy, I sent him all of this energy expressing love, longing, forgiveness, gratitude, guilt, anger, appreciation, annoyance,acceptance, support, friendship, sexual tension, etc.....all these extreme emotional feelings regarding our relationship. I have reached out but my ex hasn't responded. The crazy thing is although my feelings are a bit hurt......I know he's right. What would happen if he responded ? We'd probably end up on the same ride resenting each other for many different reasons . It would take a great deal of compassion and compromise to make our relationship work. I'm definetly more compassionate than he but am not as patient. If his attitude didn't reach my expected level of evolution - I'd be upset. We'd repeat our negative cycle and push each other away.

I honestly feel like this experience was necessary for me to grow as a person.I've grown alot and our relationship was like a mirror and finally allowed me to see my faults in a union. I honestly never blame myself for a break up or take very little responsibility because something drastic usually happens - not of my making *sheepish grin*. I know that I'll find someone more suited to me. But, I hate losing valuable things and more importantly valuable people......I hate that I've lost him.

At times, we have to lose in order to gain wisdom and create space for something better.

Mr. Big and Carrie - Sex in the City

I'm on twitter, another social networking website. I'm not only shocked to be apart of the scratch your butt update craze but secretly relish the new updates from my connects. I follow alot of different blogs and heart them all. The cool thing is many of my favorite bloggers are on twitter and shout out their favorite bloggers random post via tweets. So, I'm all kinds of connected and my blog monster is constantly fed. I've noticed a disappointing trend while devouring my informative meals. Many of the female bloggers have knighted their asshole boyfriends who they can't shake " Mr. Big".

Mr. Big is the asshole boyfriend archetype. The guy whose expanded your limited horizons at any period of time, with who ones experienced unrequited love (comfortable ego boosting beneficial lust on Big's part),enjoyed good or amazing sex with, shared special moments, good conversations, innately bad for his "Carrie" ( snake charming abilities), heart breaker, etc. The traits just mentioned along with many others makes big a toxic and energy draining partner. Carrie for example was swept away by Big's looks , debonair style, swagger, other superficial things but could never feel comfortable in their relationship. She couldn't trust him enough to be her imperfect self, give him her unguarded heart, reciprocate love, appreciate her, and be the woman he couldn't live without. I always hated that Sex in the city romanticized a relationship between Carrie and Big. Carrie cheated on a man who wanted to share his life, name, and world with her(Adian) for a man who took a job in another country without thinking of her, wouldn't give her a key or allow her to leave a toothbrush at his place, married a random chick shortly after their break us, professed love after her new partner asked her to move out of the country, and finally left her at the altar on their wedding day. He broke my heart and i was just a viewer. I'm sorry ladies that's not love. We don't love that way , therefore deserve a whole lot better.So for all the women calling that man in their life " Mr. Big". Let it go ........

I attended a together apart event which I encourage everyone to experience. It's a discussion about relationships involving both men and women. One woman in the audience said something very profound after one of the panelist admitted to being guarded in her relationships. She said " We as woman need to have faith that we'll find someone that's right for us, we can't say that we have faith and continually find ourselves in bad relationships, returning to them, and addressing fears by settling ". I have to tell you her comment forced me to look inward and admit that my faith hadn't been strong. My lack of faith was the reason my comfortable first love , who hurt me many times in many different ways, was my " Mr.Big ". I've decided to trust my intuition and not even entertain potential partners if I'm not feeling it 110%. I was forced to learn this lesson again recently by the way of a betrayal by a man considered a friend. If it isn't or doesn't feel right, let it go and have no doubts.