Monday, November 14, 2011

Women & Sexuality

A picture or a secret is worth a thousand words. I know I promised to tell you guys about finding love in hopeless places and I will ....just been really busy.

In the meantime, soak in, reflect, and live......

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Woman , Sexuality, and Mean Words

I’m confounded on how to make my point about women, sexuality, and derogatory terms without my words being twisted, used against me, and/ or broken into tiny pieces. I’ve wanted to write about this subject for months. I’m so proud not give a damn what anyone’s reaction to this post may be. I look forward to having my opinion proudly attached to my blog.

The original title of this blog - post listening to an unfortunately ridiculous blog talk radio show claiming to “teach” black women how to snag “an elite black man”, was angrily titled “It’s my PUSSY and I’ll do whatever the fuck I want with it, including fuck whoever pleases me!!!!” After listening to that show, I’m not exactly sure what/ whose definition of “elite” was being used. As a female member of the audience, I felt berated, disrespected, and resentful of the subtle manipulation which implied that as a woman thirty and nearly one….if I wasn’t coming to man as a virgin. It only made sense that I’ve be called or treated as a whore would, lack the emotional availability to be involved in a relationship, accept blame for STD’s, and the breakdown of the black family structure. I was in a fury.

I’m so fucking tired of being made to feel ashamed of sex and my sexuality subtly and overtly. I considered prefacing this blog post with the requirements a man/ woman had to have for me to consider sharing myself with him/her. But, I found that to be cowardly and hypocritical. The fact is it’s no ones business what my standards are …….

In fact, the only reason my standards are even a question is because I have a vagina. If I were a man the perception or asinine conclusion would never be; that I couldn’t be in a successful relationship, didn’t respect myself, deserved lesser treatment because I’ve had and enjoyed sexual relationships. I dare not preface that with standards or preferences because that would be saying equality is only good within parameters. Am I saying that being emotional, physically, and mentally prepare for intimate sexual relationship isn’t a necessity? Absolutely not.

What prompted this post were a couple of things – Twitter gone mad over a 14 year girl who was unwittingly video taped during a sexual act with a 14 year old boy. Do I think she was emotionally, physically, and/ or mentally responsible enough to have sex? No.
But, I found it very interesting that she was crucified and called all types of names by men, women, old, young, etc. While the young man who violated her trust by video taping their intimacy, walked away without a scratch.

Or, The Jersey Shore castmates pious reaction, to Dena’s lesbian sexual experimentation after a wild night of parting. She was brow beaten so bad that she actually apologized for a cruel prank being played on her. Honestly the cast mates’ reactions are actually quite normal within our society which is my issue. But, if the house wasn’t a cesspool of hedonism and debauchery, I probably wouldn’t be as mad. Again, women are subtly reminded of their place in terms of sex and enjoyment. I think it’s disgusting and shameful.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Facing my fears

Some people think I'm brave and fearless. The thing is I only have moments of bravery. I act in these moments because it's hard to live with the regret that I've grown accustom to.

I'm afraid of a lot things; making bad decisions, allowing people to get close to me, falling in love with a man who possesses the ability to love me back properly, being seen as uneducated or incompetent, feeling worthy without contingencies, spiritual evolution, writing a book instead of escaping with one, being fit, etc. The thing is if I prove myself capable ...... then no excuses will be available to me for not fully embracing my life.

But, I struggle because I want to savor every second of my life.....not just in moments of bravery and justified moments of knowing my self worth. Yet, I think what if I allow myself to become who I want to be and still feel unsatisfied?

It's 11am and here I sit with my 2nd glass of Viognier and my 101 list of things to do before I die....

4. Adopt a dog from a shelter.

5. Fall hopelessly in love again ....Find my Twin Soul and experience consummate love.

8. Cook 3 Haitian Meals flawlessly.

19. Celebrate Golden Anniversary.

24. Live my life without fear and trust my intuition.

32. Host 300 Fabulous dinner parties with family and friends who've been let past my wall.

49. Learn to sculpt.

52. Spiritually Evolve - Know and conduct myself as a spiritual being in a human body without identifying with my job, sex, race or religion, and truly believe that I'm not Inferior or Superior to anyone. Conduct myself in a manner which reflects my beliefs - We are all here to learn through experience and hopefully leave the world a bit better for it.

57. Write an essay about outlaw women and their contributions to society.

62. Volunteer 100 hours in a year - 2 hours per week.

As I mull this list over and enjoy some AM wine.....the question remains - When do I start?


Thursday, August 25, 2011

Mid Life Crisis at 30

I apologize for being so crude but "fuck the other blog!!!". I don't have to quit Saturn Returns because I've turned 30. Guys, I have to tell you turning 30 has been psychological warfare because I'm in the midst of a mid life crisis. My life has never followed a straight or narrow path. So, I'm not that surprised that I'm still drumming to my own beat, having lost my float, and the whole damn parade years ago......

But, I'm really scared. What if I'm wrong? Can we truly have it all while being true to ourselves? I truly believed for a long time that I could have it all; a career that I was passionate about and dare I say meaningful as well, a loving supporive husband who saw me as an equal, genius children, belong to a community, spiritual beliefs that I felt comfortable passing on, self love , freedom to by myself and stick to my beliefs ......*sigh* I hope to maintain my intergrity. I don't want to settle for less I want to be true to my dreams for me. But, Sometimes I feel as if life doesn't support my views.

My generation was taught to believe in options and is deathly allergic to limitations. Why isn't our world supporting this ingrained belief?

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Saturn Returns recap

I thought my last post which I copied and pasted from my new blog ( Chasing my passion was the end of Saturn Returns. As, I started to exit this site I noticed the date 5/29/2011 and chuckled to myself, I realized that I started this blog nearly a year to this date. What an interesting coincidence....I've learned so much and am so grateful for having this vehicle to document my growth. I'm sad to end this blog (my baby) but feel this is just the beginning.I'm ending this blog to start a new chapter in my life but feel my life is limitless.

I'm no longer 29 years old going or 30 trying to figure out what my life is going to be. I'm 30 years old and am pretty confident that I'm following a spiritual path that will serve many people. I'm many things but a healer for certain. My friends and family sort of chuckle at me and raise an eyebrow at this idea - that's ok. I feel like this year through positve and even perceived negative experiences (which we're also positive via lessons); I've learned to love myself, strengthened my faith, see beauty in all things, humble myself ( still learning), started to eliminate fearful behavior resulted in me clinging on to things that no longer serve because I thought that was all I had, the difference between forgiveness and allowing repeated offenses, Self - Worth, Confidence, true meaning of happiness free from stuff ( money, title, relationship status, etc), and many other things....

I haven't conquered all these lessons but know how to extract them from almost any situation and continue to apply them to my life. It's very liberating to know who I am and to have found my purpose. I still have to work on developing my intuition, communicating better, and relying on my own understanding versus what I'm told to believe. It's a process but one I welcome. I'm ready to stand in my true strength above influence.

" There is no competition and no comparison for we are all different and meant to be that way. I am special just the way I am It is safe for me to love myself. I am truly blessed." Dr. Dee

Road to Loving Myself ......Chasing my passion

I had a wonderful weekend - May 21st began with my partner and I participating in a Women's Wellness Fair. We both provided Reiki service for any attendee interested. Our sessions were provided in tandem double the energy for our clients :) and we were rewarded with positive feedback as a result. Feedback is very important whether positive or negative because it helps us become better healers. Personally, I like to know what the client may be experiencing energywise because I'm curious as to whether we're experiencing the same things or their experiences mirror other clients Reiki session. I also enjoy hearing past and present stories involving others experiences with Reiki - always amazing.

After the fair, my partner and I had a very late lunch and rushed back to my house to drop off the massage table. I had a concert to attend and was very excited about it. I intended to see Adele around 8pm. Plan B opened for her and they surprised me with their electic mix of Reggea, Rap, R&B, and Doo Wop - I really enjoyed their performance. Adele came out around 9pm, the crowd went nuts, and the energy was just electrifying. Adele's voice filled the entire theatre, beautiful, raw, and touching. She not only has a great voice but a fantastic, playful, smart personality. During one of her mini breaks after a song she said " Singing is my passion, I'm so lucky that my job is my passion and it allows me to travel, see things, meet new people, and live music." It made me think of all the years, I sat at my cubicle staring out the window wishing my life were different or I were lucky enough to live my passion. I realized then that I could live my passion. I could enjoy my career as much as Adele does ......I'm the boss of my life. I left the concert feeling inspired.

I went into the next day injected with this sense of purpose. It didn't hurt that I was doing volunteer work the next day as a Reiki practioneer for women battling breast cancer (check out this amazing organization). I thought I was going to interview but I was put to work right away which was a blessing because I learned so much. In my heart, I really believe that I'd serve these women but they served me. I learned so much about my modality and how to serve people; emotionally, physically, and mentally.

A Reiki Master demonstrated the flow of energy before and after a session with a cancer patient using a pendelum. If there were any doubts in my mind regarding this modality it was immediately dismissed. Reiki has changed my life. I'm more compassionate, loving, better at self regulating, and everything that was important to me no longer is....

I'm all about progressing along my spiritual path. I hope that I can work in holistic healing full time and be successful. I truly believe energy work needs to be taught and utilized by all to promote health and wellness. The weekend that
just passed has encouraged me to start turning the tables on society and beliefs about money, love, and life that no longer serves me.

As a result Ive started a new blog -

Started a new business -

and am walking my path

I will continue writting about my journey on my new blog - please pop over and check out the progression of my garden

Friday, May 20, 2011

Road to Loving Myself ......Realizing my self worth

I quit my job on May 14, 2011 which now represents my personal revolution.I was berated by my co - worker for the umpteenth time but this time was different. It was as if I finally realized " I didn't have to accept this type of treatment from her or anyone else. I finally realize my self worth. I AM worthy of respect and deserve better. I deserve the life I desire. I sat at my desk until 4am listening to my soul and made a decision not to live in FEAR but embrace FAITH. I tossed aside all my fears about money, the economy, other peoples approval, and perceptions and decided to LIVE FOR ME!!!

I've decided to use this time to meditate and explore my spirituality. I've always prayed but have now decided to take this time to listen and discover myself.

Who am I without a job?

Who am I without a steady income?

Who am I without a title?

Who am I removed from my clan; family, company, organizations, etc?

What do i want to do?

Who do I chose to love?

Am I passionate about what I'm doing?

Am I serving anyone?

Am I making a difference?

Am I even writting my own story or living out someone elses plot?


I cannot proclaim to have all or any answers but I intend to find out.

I'm now apart of my community garden not to align myself with another "group" but to start doing things , i never had the time to.....

I planted tomatoes, cabbage, lettuce, peppers, sunflowers, peppermint, and thyme. As, I tend to my garden, I will tend to my soul. I will water, fertilized, and expose my health, beliefs about prosperity, self - esteem, and relationships to sunlight so they flourish along with my garden.

I promise myself - I will recreate my life and reap the rewards of all I've sown.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Road to loving me .........Changing my perspective.

On February 3, 2011, I set an intention (see below). My intention was to grow spiritually this year;

"2011 is going to be dedicated to reaching the next level on my Spiritual Journey; finding balance, forgiveness, acceptance, embracing cooperation versus competition, learning to trust, reflecting on my choices, having faith, going with the grain by being flexible, and being more selfless. I will try to document this journey as best I can."

I've been wanting to write about my spiritual growth for over a month now but couldn't and still can't find the right words to convey this feeling of grace. What I will say is this ....... My spiritual growth has been completely unorthodox. I'm not adhering to the guidelines of any particular religion or belief system but am encompassing aspects of all religions and beliefs while leaving politics behind . My journey has encouraged me to follow my intuition which has led me to various talk shows, books, radios shows, enlightening everyday conversations, energy healing ( Reiki I certified) , etc. Following my intuition has changed my perspective.

My new perspective in turn has changed my life. My happiness, optimism, gratitude, and faith has multiplied 1000x's. I walked around feeling absolutely blissful for weeks. Although, nothing in my life had changed; I don't have a new boyfriend - yet :), I live in the same apt, I have the same job , earn the same pay, scale reads the same ( although not really weighing in), etc. Because my state of bliss didn't/doesn't stem from external factors it comes from within. In this state over an extended period time , I became fearful - how can I maintain? I looked up at the sky and said " God, please don't let anything happen that'll shake this feeling"

Guess what, God laughed and then 3 things happened ......

1.I disagreed with the way a co worker handled an issue and got upset and let it be known. The after math was hard for me because I was doing such a great job controlling my anger and being Zen.

2.Lost my cell phone during an inopportune time financially - I went into why me mode?, broke down, and said to myself "My life needs to change".

3.I was contacted by an ex who wanted to use my feelings for him to shake me down for non existent cash. - I was angry at God because I said you allowed me to feel blissful then force me to deal with things what would shake up anyone's faith in their potential to main this internal source of happiness. I mean " How can I be forgiving if I'm going to be used?

I learned 3 things as a result

1. Anger is a choice. Anger can't be answered with Anger beacuse the result is alot of anger :). Anger's response is patience, empathy, and humility, I learned the definition of humility via a book my intuition led me to written by Caroline Myss - Entering the Castle. If I get nothing from this book - I know the pages on humility spoke to my soul. I needed to hear this information.

Humility isn't Humiliation. Humility is a powerful shield for the soul, without humility I am unbalanced, the smallest motion can rock my boat and upset me.

e.g. a person doesn't greet me, I'm not 1st in line, not seated in the 1st row, not waited on in a restaurant fast enough, not invited to a certain party / meeting , how dare They?, I can't go out like that .......What will They say? etc. I may not have had trouble with all these examples per say, but can assure you - I have substitutes.

Someone making a critical remark could destroy me for hours, days, weeks, months, years, or even permentally without therapy.

Relationships I allowed to disintegrate because pride prevented a reconciliation.

A humble person would move through these incidents without leaving a wake.

Humility is releasing the need to win.

Humility is not having to have the last word.

Humility is not always having to have insecurities reinforced with endless support.

Humility is the ability to help someone who has injured me.

Humility is to say sorry, not wait years for the other person to apologize before speaking to him or her.

Humility is the ability to appreciate the people who dedicate their lives to helping me make my dreams come true ; whether in a corporate setting, small business, and/ or family.

I could chose to be humble or angry.

2. Everything happens for a reason or for our highest good. - I lost my phone which was found the next day at the bank. However, in that time without the distractions of texting/ talking/ and webbing. I revisited a thought which involves a career changes through my new eyes. I'm planning, praying, and I'm looking forward to this positive change. If you're quiet - divine inspiration follows.

3. Life will recreate situations until you learned the original lesson

even better - Everything in life is a lesson.

Although, the situation with my ex was brief ( 42hrs tops). I learned a lot - it's OK to stop blaming myself for our break up ; I'm not crazy and need to trust my instincts/ intuition. I also learned about love and life paths - everyone you love isn't on the same path ( no better or worse just a different path), a person can love you and not be for you, a person can love you and hurt you, you can be in love but not for each other. I learned that lesson because I didn't get it the first time.I knew in my action and mind that I shouldn't pine but my heart wanted to know - what if?

My new questions are - What if I treasure the present moments? , relish the memories? , forgive the hurt?, forget to wonder? and move on 100% ? The answer is other door will open.

I'm happy and thank God for showing me that bliss is within reach.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Road To Loving Me.......Washing Away The Toxic Ego

I have so much to say but can't form my feelings into words because they are overwhelming in a positive and indescribable way. I'll figure it out......In the meantime - please enjoy this life changing article written by Debbie Ford.

How to Break Through Toxic Emotions
Debbie Ford

Do you want to find out what it’s like to wake up in the morning free of the burden of trying to “manage” your toxic emotions?

If your answer is yes, now is the time to be straight with yourself. It’s time to admit that certain healthy emotions have turned toxic because you have rejected them, judged them, suppressed them, lied about them, or just decided that you would deal with them later.

Just like detoxifying your physical body, it’s not necessarily easy to detox your emotional body. But it is one of the most important things you will ever do.

Facing the toughest emotions — especially the ones that hijack your happiness when you’re unwilling to deal with them — will change your life for the better.

In writing my next book about why we human beings are so often driven to sabotage ourselves and harm each other, I’ve begun to identify the 11 emotions that universally cause the most personal and collective suffering when they are hidden and denied long enough.

Although some of these 11 are closely interconnected, each has its own uniquely disastrous impact on our lives.

The Eleven Toxic Emotions

1. Hurt – victimization, helplessness, blame

2. Sadness – self-pity, regret

3. Shame – humiliation, embarrassment

4. Hopelessness – loneliness, despair, desperation

5. Fear – anxiety, panic, immobilization

6. Anger – resentment, bitterness

7. Hate – meanness, vengefulness

8. Jealousy – envy, possessiveness

9. Pride – better than, self-righteousness

10. Greed – insatiability, emotional hunger

11. Guilt – self-blame, false responsibility

The following questions will help you identify which of the 11 toxic emotions are having the biggest impact on the quality of your life and on those around you.

As you answer the questions, remember that no one is looking right now. It’s just you and you. Give yourself permission to be more honest with yourself than you’ve ever been.

My favorite quote from the "I Ching" will help you get started:

It is only when we have the courage
to face things exactly as they are,
without any self-deception or illusion,
that a light will develop out of events,
by which the path to success may be recognized.

Questions to help you identify your toxic emotions

1. Do you see yourself as someone who is “guarded”? Do you keep yourself at a safe distance from others? Do you have a persona that “protects” you — such as self-sufficient, intimidating or superior?

2. Within 10 minutes of meeting you, do people usually know about the worst thing that ever happened to you?

3. Are the painful things that happened to you in the past your reason for why you don’t have what you want in your life now? And do they keep you from opening up to intimacy with others?

4. In the privacy of your own heart and mind — despite what you try to project to the outer world — do you actually believe that things won’t get better for you?

5. Do you obsess over what might happen in the future? Do your fears limit what you’re able to experience with others — from emotional intimacy to doing things together in public?

6. Is there someone in your life whom you openly criticize and berate? Do you say things to a loved one that are harsh and judgmental? If so, what are some of the specific things you say to him or her? Also, do you find that you silently say these same kinds of belittling things to yourself?

7. Do you have frequent eruptions of anger — large or small? Do you find yourself yelling at other drivers while you’re driving, picking fights or being “short” with your partner or children, speaking condescendingly to customer service people, or seething at a co-worker who gets under your skin (and then speaking disparagingly about that person to others)?

8. Do you harbor thoughts and feelings of distrust in your partner, looking for evidence that you’re being lied to?

9. Do you find yourself frequently disagreeing or arguing differing opinions with friends, co-workers and family members?

10. Do you often find yourself comparing yourself to other people and coming out on top?

11. Do you actively look for ways to hurt someone in your life? Do you do things with the intention of sparking jealousy, envy, shame, self-doubt or fear inside of that person?

12. Do you find that no matter how much time, attention or affection your partner gives you, it never feels like enough?

13. Do you feel emotionally and mentally weighed down with responsibilities, and frustrated or angry that you can’t quite fulfill them?

14. Do you use drugs, alcohol or food to mask any unwelcome emotions? If so, what is the first emotion or feeling that comes to mind?

15. Do you work long hours, shop, watch TV or surf the Internet to avoid certain feelings? If so, what is the first emotion or feeling that comes to mind?

16. What do you most want people to think about you? Of the 11 toxic emotions listed above, which is closest to the opposite of what you want people to think about you?

17. Which of the questions above triggers an emotional hot button for you? Which one makes you cringe or irritates you the most?

How to put your answers to work for you

Each of the behaviors listed in the questions above and the toxic emotions that fuel them (and that we use to justify them) are the result of a wounded ego — an ego that lives and breathes by the certainty that it is separate, alone, and in a constant state of danger. It wraps itself in layer upon layer of negative beliefs and wears a mask, a false persona, to ensure its safety.

There is much that we could explore about the ego and its many faces and functions. But this is one of the most important things I can tell you: The wounded ego isn’t going away. YOUR wounded ego isn’t going away.

Although your hurt ego will try every trick in the book to have you believe otherwise, there is nothing you can do to fix it, kill it, ignore it or bury it. You can’t make it disappear by achieving, earning, educating, marrying, divorcing, dieting or negotiating your way out of it. You can’t manipulate, manage or control it. But you can give it what it actually wants: safety, compassion, kindness, understanding, love, and reconnection with your whole self.

When this agonized and desperate part of us begins to feel genuinely safe, we start to allow more good things into our lives: more emotional nourishment, more pleasure, more peace.

How to free yourself from your most toxic emotions

One way to start breaking free of your harmful emotions is by identifying the one that has the most power in your life — the toxic emotion that most robs you of your self-confidence and self-esteem; the one that keeps happiness and fulfillment always around the next corner.

Pull that ugly and unwanted emotion out of the dungeon and into the light of day. You’ll start to see the natural transformation that occurs when you bring a fresh awareness to a toxic emotion.

I see how well this works in my experience with clients from every walk of life. Energy, confidence and enthusiasm for life return. Self-sabotaging behaviors begin to fade away. People become free and no longer need to be more than they are or less than they are.

Remember this: Either your toxic emotions are using you, or you’re going to use them. For example, you can either allow your suppressed anger to explode and wreak havoc in your life, or you can harness its inherent power to stand up taller and take on a bigger mission in the world.

Reconnect with your grandest self who feels good inside and is ready to take risks even when there will be challenges; who is inspired and inspiring, powerful and empowered, vulnerable and open while knowing how to set boundaries.

I invite you to transform your painful and difficult emotions from enemies into allies, and start clearing the way for exciting new realties to emerge.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Road to loving me ..........Banishing Jealousy

Sometimes, I feel like I'm on a roller coaster. Last week I felt so good; evolved. spiritually aware, and oh so Zen...... I was amazed at how changing my mind set and living in love versus fear has really changed my life.

On this journey toward loving myself, I have been radiating an overwhelming amount of positive energy which has allowed me to float on air. I know this sounds crazy but it's very true...I feel more attractive and I know it isn't in my head because people are reacting to me differently. Ok, I'll give you a few examples ; leaving school in my gym clothes (glorified pajamas) , Farmers Market, Wine shop, etc - random men stops me to tell me how beautiful I am. Guys hit on me but not to this's also a little deeper than just appearing more attractive. I feel so grateful for things that I never really thought about or have taken for granted ; family, friends, good relationships with my ex's, positive interaction with strangers, etc. Now that I'm paying attention to what these people add to my life. I honestly feel so blessed and find this thought playing in repeat " I'm really surrounded by good people."

I was at the post office the other day and the clerk spent 20 minutes helping me decide the quickest, most cost effectives way to ship vegan cookies to my Dad. At one point , he looked at me and said " I don't know why I'm telling you all this but I just want to help", I knew it was because I'd raised my vibrational level of love/positivity - he was totally feeding off of my energy. Raising my vibrational level hasn't only changed peoples reaction to me but...... has changed me; I want to go out of my way to help people or see someone smile. I'm now regulating my thoughts and am constantly checking negative and/or abusive language toward myself and others, I've been in a few situations which would normally set me off and said to myself " simmer down - 5 minutes of anger will suppress your immune system for 6 hours or how will being pissed off help? or encouraging myself to be compassionate .I even started meditating .....I'm not that good and have fallen asleep a couple of times. But, I swear 10 mins of peace , quiet, and centering oneself feels amazing.

It's fairly easy to do this sort of work internally , especially if you haven't told anyone and aren't experiencing any distractions via negative feedback or just emotional ups/downs, Now heres my conondrum, I meet a cute boy * achillies heel* and fell into instant attraction. We have good conversation, share sweet text messages, curosity peaking inbox messages via facebook, and followed it all up with an amazing date. I'm somewhat in my head - I mean .....Should I be dating right now - aren't I dating myself? (is this cheating ? am I cheating on me? lol ). But ,I've also vowed to live in faith versus fear. Therefore, I must to go for it.

In the process of setting up a 2nd date. I see a Facebook comment on my potential new boo's wall status....

Him - I'm so tired and thirsty

Literally Thirsty Chick ( I know I'm judging *shrug* it's a process) - How about a cold beer and a massage ?:)

I have a nasty jealous side and this side of me has been trapped in a box during this process. My crazy green eyed monster is now trying to break out and it's terrifying. She wants to research, research the results of the research, review posts, and all this crazy has taken all my willpower to stifle this bitch. I thought during this journey toward loving myself - I'd banish this demon, I mean if you think about it .....Jealously is a result of being insecure which is an emotion driven by fear. I'm now consciously living in faith ......" Why would I be jealous?". I am being so ridiculous because I've learned the hard way ; no matter how much I try to prevent ish, no matter how jealous I get, or how much "G" checking I do, or Info I have means nothing. I can't prevent a damn thing because I can't change anyone but myself. Instead of living in torturous fear and holding my breath .....I'm going to chill.

I really hate feeling jealous and abhor the word insecure makes me nauseous. It's a character flaw that I cannot live with because it brings down my vibrational energy and unfortunately - I'm more aware of this now. It's a disgusting murky feeling that feels impossible to shake off. I can no longer look to my partner or a potential partner to secure me. I need to take care of securing myself. I'm not sure how long this will take but I know admitting this weakness is the first step. I suppose regulating my thoughts, speech, and actions will follow.

I know I'm special. I use to feel bad for thinking or wanting to proclaim this because I didn't want to be thought of as conceited or feel arrogant. But, the truth is I am...

I'm Authentic , Free - Thinking , Expansive, Creative, Family Orientated, Introspective, Benevolent, Easy to get along with, Good Listener.....

I'm Funny , Daring, Spontaneous, Evolving, Spiritual, Lovable, Happy,Spunky, Flirty, In Love with LOVE, Honest, Loyal

I'm Sexy , Beautiful, Confident, Fearless, Ballsy, Loner, Smart, Intuitive, Excitable, Generous, Caring

I'm Special and these characteristic barely scratch the surface of the complexity which is me . I will remember this when my green eyed monster strikes.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Road to loving me .....falling in love with my highest potential

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."

I solemnly pledge to commit to me and falling in love with my own highest potential. I'm not going to change my optimistic view or how I love .

Society promotes fear and wants us to feel ashamed for becoming a permeable membrane; selfless in love, generous, open minded, and willingness to connect to the spirit versus " our must haves list". I have to admit it's a hard thing to do but it's all a part of living in faith versus fear and staying in the presents instead of anticipating non existent future problems.

One of my many cousins posted an awesome face book quote which I'll jack

"Life is not about good planning; it is about adaptability to things that don't go according to your good plan."

At the end of the day this means being flexible and open......We need to get out of our heads and truly enjoy life's miracles. I don't believe that can happen without recognizing ones highest potential because if we had any idea how limitless our boundaries ...........we'd be truly fearless.

Fear holds us inside of ourselves (closes us off) ...whereas faith allows us to fly and see opportunities everywhere. So, I'm not discarding my optimism just directing it inwardly which will radiate energy allowing me to attract what's needed to evolve.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Road to loving me .....I am unique therefore very special

I'm going to make this short and sweet " Love is the source of all good things". Durning, the family visit my cuz, brother, and I were taking pics and I freaked out over an unflattering image. I was very stiff while taking the pics and clearly uncomfortable. My little cousin whose 21 years old said " Why are you being so Insecure you look fine?" I don't know why but his comment resonated with me. I thought to myself " Why are you freaking out and feeling so uncomfortable in your own skin?"

My mind was subconciously comparing myself to our societys standard of air brushed beauty. Although, I'm no supermodel. I'm a very attractive woman and even if I weren't ....I'm smart,funny, positive, loyal, forgiving, compassionate, and of all these wonderful things that I share with others. But, I also have alot of other qualities which no one shares .My combination is unique , special, and worthy of unconditional love. On a deeper level my soul which is a reflection of God is worthy of unconditional love. My life is worthy of unconditional love. I'm grateful for the essence of me.

I decided then I need to rectify my relationship with myself. I now look at myself with new eyes and conciously reminded myself that I'm special and deserving of unconditonal love .....especially from myself.

“I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it — I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes.

Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know — but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me.

However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.

I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.”
Denis2005 Virginia Satir quotes (American Psychologist and Educator, 1916-1988)

Monday, March 21, 2011

Family Ties ........Road to loving me

I come from a huge family , both my parents are 1 of 8 or 9 kids, almost all their siblings have children, and the average amount of kids per sibling is 3. My family is "Wu Tang Clan" big which can be a positive or a negative depending on the day. We interact in extremes ; some days we are way too blunt other days we tip toe around each other suppressing important conversations, sometimes we talk but most times we keep things super private, we can be extremely prideful/ ego orientated others times we are really vulnerable. etc. We are walking contradictions individually and within our unit. The reason is because our loved ones disapproval is often the worst kind of hurt. We are also very different- It's hard looking at ones reflection from so many different and sometimes foreign perspectives.

My cousins Pop's 26th birthday is tomorrow and the children of my aunts and uncles chose to celebrate a bit earlier, Thursday of last week early :) It was amazing to see everyone flock from the dirty south and DC come together to celebrate one of our births. I know this may sound crazy but..... the gathering felt predestined. There were several incidents that supports my observation but the most significant was the emotional connections. Everyone walked away with more than R&R. My brother who recently broke up with the love of his life and mother of his child received support from my uncles/ male cousins. I'm a loving older sister but couldn't offer the support or understanding an older familial male can based on experiences. Everyone left NYC feeling something; inspired , re -energized, loved, understood, supported, and altered. I personally had a chance to reconnect with a cousin that I haven't spoke to for a few years and was surprised to meet a different person. He was always cool but this new liberal, free thinking, anti rigid cousin seemed so much lighter and happier. Many concerned & sincere questions, hugs, and conversations made me feel like I wasn't alone. I'm strong and self sufficient but I often feel a bit fearful . As If,I don't have the luxury of making mistakes . If I fall where would I land? I think this weekend showed me how wrong I was - no man is an island. I was able to be vulnerable and felt as if a ton of bricks was lifted from my shoulders.

Some people may walk away from family functions feeling lighter, filled with love, and altered. But,that hasn't been the case at most of our family gatherings there is usually some tension and very shallow breathing. Our family is filled with strong personalities that have historically clashed when thrown together due to, pride, keeping up appearances,etc.. The children in our family were taught " no one needs to know what happens in my home & to have PRIDE ( or put a wall up) " when interacting with one another . We all love each other but aren't touchy feely or overly emotional - everyone is pretty stoic unless were expressing anger. My generation of cousins is breaking that mold because we've learned through our upbringing that isn't the way to go. We need love, compassion, care, and the appreciation of others. If we don't honor our relationships and utilize them fully. The consequences can affect other aspects of our lives. I've racked my brain for years trying to determine why I couldn't let go of relationships that had expired. The truth is I was using my partner/ lover as my only support system. Therefore, I couldn't walk away even if my life depended on it. In this process of dating and loving myself. I'm able to analyze me and work on growing as a person.

I love life because we learn everyday through experiences and can see miracles all around us ...... if we open our eyes. I believe this weekend was a miracle for my family and a step in the right direction. Although, the culture has been to be reserved. We all decided to shatter the mold in order to grow. It's amazing what a group can do collectively without discussing it. We had to experience the opposite in order to evolve into a supportive family until together. It's weird our consciousness was raised simultaneously allowing us to give of ourselves freely. I have to say this weekend was an amazing uplifting experience.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Falling in love again........

I've been blogging for myself for a while now. Ok,.....It's been more than a while. I've written for me since I bore this vehicle which allows me to document my growth or lack thereof, My friends & family have tried to suggest being ; a bit private, less private, more accessible, fun, theme orientated (social, relationships, etc). I smile and say I'll consider it..... the truth is's taken a while but, I'm only about "being" true to me.

With that said, I've noticed that many people from different countries, states, and cities have been drawn to the " I still love my Ex" post. I wrote it 8 days ago today. But,I feel so far away from that feeling of longing - I'm over that relationship and have accepted that it's ended. I truly believe everything that was written - nothing good could come from pinning. I wanted desperately to physically re-experience our love which I can now only contain in my heart. After weeks of fighting emotionally draining sadness, tension, despair, and going to bed early ...hoping that tomorrow would bring a better day. I've come through this emotional storm and am now enveloped in a tranquil sense of calm.

Logic couldn't help me because the heart and the brain don't share the same continent. I knew our break up was for the best and was even a catalyst for spiritual and emotional growth. However, my heart wanted no parts of that boring ass logical reasoning, Guess you're wondering what helped? ......Spirituality, I had to be calm and listen to my intuition which drew me to certain books , text, and the unequivocal truth, I will always be in a series of disappointing relationships unless I make myself whole. The idea of making myself whole was a hard pill to swallow and my " ego" didn't like hearing that at all. My ego screamed; I have hobbies, I'm in school, I'm super independent, I AM WHOLE!!!!!!, etc. But, the truth is I do view being a part of a union as an indication of personal success ; support, pooling a resources, team mentality, sexual, spiritual, mental, emotional connected, joining of families, intrinsic value, etc, there isn't anything wrong with believing any of the above, as human beings we need each other (no man is an island).The issue with me is I believed - I'd be incomplete or not as successful If I don't accomplish these things.

I know in my heart that regardless of the path life takes me on - I'll be accomplished. I'll grown in any pre destined path. However, I don't want these fleeting moments of happiness in my relationships followed by disappointments when things get a bit bumpy. I don't want to hungrily crave that positive reflection of myself in my loved ones eyes. I want my beliefs about myself to be based on my reality versus someone else's perception. I've never had trouble attracting a mate, falling in love, experiencing great moments but my goal is to sustain my new relationship. I know this is an attainable goal; by trusting my instincts and forming secured attachments. In order to accomplish this goal, I must learn to love myself unconditionally.

I'm currently in a monogamous relationship with ME. I want to sustain this relationship and do for myself what I do for others, take time to connect with me, cook for me, spend time with me, learn to trust me, surprise myself with things I love, and most importantly fall in love with me. I will not be dating during this time which scares me because I'm kind of boy crazy.

It'll be alright.....I just know in my heart this is what I need to do.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Perception Vs Reality

"A hostile person lives in a hostile world,
A loving person lives in a loving world."

We only need to look at a situation from a different angle, or from another's point of view, (or see the 'bigger' picture), and that can totally change our experience of life and its myriad of events.

The real voyage of discovery
consists not in seeing new landscapes,
but in having new eyes.

~ Marcel Proust ~

Reality is what we take to be true.
What we take to be true is what we believe.
What we believe is based upon our perceptions.
What we perceive depends upon what we look for.
What we look for depends upon what we think.
What we think depends upon what we perceive.
What we perceive determines what we believe.
What we believe determines what we take to be true.
What we take to be true is our reality.
~ Gary Zukav ~

Life is the movie you see
through your own unique eyes.
It makes little difference
what's happening out there.
It's how you take it
that counts.

~ Dr Dennis Waitley, motivational author and lecturer
(from 'The Winner's Edge') ~

We shall not cease from exploration
and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started
and to know the place for the first time.

~ T.S. Eliot (1888-1965)
Poet, Dramatist and Literary Critic ~

Truth is that which does not contaminate you, but empowers you.
Therefore, there are degrees of truth, but, generically,
truth is that which can do no harm.
It cannot harm.

~ Gary Zukav from "Seat Of The Soul" ~

We do not see things as they are.
We see them as we are.

~ The Talmud ~

What we think,
or what we know,
or what we believe,
is, in the end, of little consequence.
The only consequence is what we do.

~ John Ruskin ~

Don't believe what your eyes are telling you.
All they show is limitation.
Look with your understanding,
find out what you already know,
and you'll see the way to fly.

~ Richard Bach
(from 'Johnathan Livingstone Seagull') ~

The man who views the world at fifty,
the same as he did at twenty,
has wasted thirty years of his life.

~ Muhammed Ali ~

The difference between
a flower and a weed
is a judgement.

~ Author Unknown ~

‘One new perception,
one fresh thought,
one act of surrender,
one change of heart,
one leap of faith,
can change your life forever.’

~ Robert Holden - Author & Psychologist
from the book, 'Shift Happens!' ~

What you love, you empower
And what you fear, you empower
And what you empower, you attract.
~ Author Unknown ~

I am not my memories. I am my dreams. ~ Terry Hostetler, American Entrepreneur ~

Men are disturbed not by the things that happen,
But by their opinion of the things that happen.

~ Epictetus ~

At any moment
I could start being a better person...
But, which moment should I choose?

~ Ashleigh Brilliant - author, artist ~

The best and most beautiful things in the world
cannot be seen nor touched
but are felt in the heart.

~ Helen Keller ~

It's not them, it's you.
It's not there, it's here.
It's not then, it's now.

~ Author Unknown ~

Enjoy these quote from the website above ....sums up what my post would have said :)

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Festa Delle Donne

Today, I discovered an awesome holiday " Festa Delle Donne"

"Festa della Donna (International Women's Day) -- March 8

Before the Second World War, Women's Day had been celebrated on different days in early March in several Italian cities. In 1945, the Union of Italian Women decided to hold all celebrations and commemorations on March 8. However appropriate it would have been, they didn't have Ariadne (see website below) in mind. In fact they were memorializing two events outside of Italy: a March 8, 1857, strike by women garment workers in New York, which led to the formation two years later of the first women's union in the United States, and a strike by Russian women calling for "bread and peace" on March 8, 1917 (February 23 on the old Russian calendar but March 8 in the rest of the world.)

Authorities don't agree how or why, but the custom started in Italy -- some sources say in Rome in 1946 -- of men giving their wives, mothers, daughters, and other women friends sprigs of bright yellow Mimosa flowers on March 8. Women have since also started to give Mimosa to each other. The flowers are intended as a sign of respect for the women and also an expression of solidarity with the women in their support for oppressed women worldwide. This mild year some Mimosa trees in Rome were already in bloom at the end of January, so there may not be much left by March 8. Other yellow flowers also carry the sentiment, if you can't find Mimosa."

I love this expression of solidarity and also heart the idea of men reserving one day to publicly honor the women in their lives. It's always exciting to arrive but the journey is equally as fascinating in most cases. Some may find any celebration dedicated to any one gender sexist .But, lets keep it real - every day since the beginning of time has been "Festa Dei Uomini" ( Feast of Men). Women have had a notoriously tough time throughout history- let's recap.

* Since early times women have been respected as a source of life. However, they have been considered not only intellectually inferior to men but also a main source of temptation. Early Christian theology perpetuated these views. St. Jerome, a 4th - century Latin father of the Christian church said; " Woman is the gate of the devil, the path of wickedness, the sting of the serpent, in a word a perilous object"

* Women have also long been considered the weaker sex and unable to perform work requiring muscular or intellectual development. The resulting stereotype that " A woman's place is in the home" which has created a cultural pressure for women to be great wives and mothers. We all want to be great mothers and spouses but this pressure has prevented many talented women from finishing college or pursuing careers e.g. in the 60's, scholastic tests revealed achievement of girls were higher in early grades than in high school. The reason is the girls expectations declined because neither the teachers nor families expected them to prepare for a future other than motherhood.

* The myth of the inferiority in women influenced a woman's status in regarding law. Under the common law of England. an unmarried woman could own property, make a contract , or sue and be sued. But, a married woman, gave up her name , and virtually all her property under her husbands control. During the early history of the United States , a man virtually owned his wife and children as he did his material possessions, In the 19th century, many laws restricted the rights of working women; laws prohibiting a woman from working more than 8 hours a day or working at night effectively prevented many women from holding jobs, particularly supervisory positions that might require over time work. Laws in states prohibiting women from lifting over 15lbs again barring women from many jobs. Discrimination in other fields persisted as well; retail stores in granting credit to married. single, or divorced women making it difficult to purchase a home or car. The Equal Pay Act was only passed in 1963....shall go on?

I can go on and on about discrimination against women in our history and how it's lead to published feminist philosophies " Declaration of The Rights of Women" and , " Woman's Bible" and the many organized women reform groups which ultimately gave us the power to vote and be treated as equals. It sometimes feel like we are still in the Dark Ages; pressure to be beautiful, thin, married, sexy, and the other labels that prevent us from being powerful. In my heart " Festa Della Donne" is a celebration for all and a reminded to cast aside labels , think freely, and live authentically. The only limitations one has is believing what you're told, rather than believing in ones self.

As a human being I empathize with anyone being discriminated against but as an African American woman - I can related. I guess that's what makes me so appreciative of this holiday.

In the words of Margret Fuller

" Individuals have unlimited capacities and when people's roles are defined according to their sex, human development was severely limited"


Monday, March 7, 2011

Above The Influence of ........their opinion

OMG!!!!!! pleaaaaaasse shut up.....

I'm so tired of talking, reading, and thinking about relationships. Honestly, it's out of control - as a woman I can't escape the chatter; talk shows, therapy,random conversation with friends, blog topics, magazine articles, etc. I don't need anymore advice or opinions; wear more/ less make up, work out (skinny is in) don't (curves are the biz), smile more (but not too much you may get taken advantage of), settle ( no ones perfect), don't settle/ compromise on anything ( money, house w 2 car garage, and white picket fence - Does it matter that he may be a workaholic who you'll never see? ).........

Uh, I've already come to the realization - I'm perfect in my imperfection, worthy and deserving of love. Oh yea, by the way....I don't want to live in the suburbs and rather a family orientated guy.

* huge sigh*

I spent my 20's in a long term relationship (mini marriage) because I fell hopelessly in love. But, I stayed past the relationship's expiration date because I was afraid of starting over. Afraid of starting over? In retrospect, my thought process was just absurd " afraid of starting over" ......I was 25. I should have been enjoying my life, creating memorable experiences, finding my self, been flexible,and embracing change which always translates into spiritual and emotional growth.

Unfortunately, I didn't do that.....I allowed myself to react to the relationship hysterics "try to wrangle a man even the wrong one before you end up alone". Although, I didn't necessarily believe in the chatter - I still did dumb ish to be safe. I've never had a problem attracting a man. All of the men whose honored me by aligning their lives with mine for whatever period of time ... loved me (still do). The majority of my relationships's have been serious but none have lasted more than a few years. Our relationships were laboratories for growth. We came together until there was nothing left to learn individually or as a unit. All of my most profound relationships ......just happened. I didn't look for them which is telling......

In my experience, whenever I forced a union for any reason; dating someone I'm not attracted to out of fear of being alone or "missing out on something that could be "it" -it's ended with disastrous results. We as women need to tune out all the white noise and focus on ourselves and enjoying our lives. Men do this because GI Joe didnt come with a castrated GI Jane. We can't plan our happiness around a person because there are too many variable; mostly he or she may have an objection or two.

The result of allowing everyone else's fear to seep into your subconscious is dissatisfaction with oneself, tension, influenced actions, and unnecessary stress . I'm by no means saying don't date - I loooooove men and their company *wink*. I'm just suggesting living in faith versus fear and focusing on our selves, our desires, intuition, and things important to onesself versus living under artificial pressure or fear.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

I still love my Ex

Since the few readers I had ...left me - no need to apologize for my lack of blogging :)

Besides being busy, stressed out, and overwhelmed with my full time work and school schedule. I'm still hopelessly in love with my ex - boyfriend. My friends are disgusted by the idea , roll their eyes, and sigh heavily if I even broach the subject.....crazy thing is they're absolutely right. The relationship lasted 3 months at best, sort of rocky from day one, and icky toward the end. Our personalities and love languages didn't even share the same zip code....yet there was still an intense attraction and swift emotional connection.

The thing I love most about our relationship was neither one of us was looking. Our meeting was serindipitous.

I saw guy at school who reminded me of him today and I eye f&cked the shit out of him - LOL. Poor guy, I sent him all of this energy expressing love, longing, forgiveness, gratitude, guilt, anger, appreciation, annoyance,acceptance, support, friendship, sexual tension, etc.....all these extreme emotional feelings regarding our relationship. I have reached out but my ex hasn't responded. The crazy thing is although my feelings are a bit hurt......I know he's right. What would happen if he responded ? We'd probably end up on the same ride resenting each other for many different reasons . It would take a great deal of compassion and compromise to make our relationship work. I'm definetly more compassionate than he but am not as patient. If his attitude didn't reach my expected level of evolution - I'd be upset. We'd repeat our negative cycle and push each other away.

I honestly feel like this experience was necessary for me to grow as a person.I've grown alot and our relationship was like a mirror and finally allowed me to see my faults in a union. I honestly never blame myself for a break up or take very little responsibility because something drastic usually happens - not of my making *sheepish grin*. I know that I'll find someone more suited to me. But, I hate losing valuable things and more importantly valuable people......I hate that I've lost him.

At times, we have to lose in order to gain wisdom and create space for something better.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Spiritual Growth

I apologize for not blogging.

I've been crazy busy. I fell in love, started school, took the LAST test ( 1/4 parts Teachers Certification Exam) - Passed yea me !!!!, ended relationship with the man I loved, pulled myself out of an end of relationship funk, renewed my commitment to working out/ eating right, navigated sensitive family issues, and focused on remaining sane through it all.

2011 is going to be dedicated to reaching the next level on my Spiritual Journey; finding balance, forgiveness, acceptance, embracing cooperation versus competition, learning to trust, reflecting on my choices, having faith, going with the grain by being flexible, and being more selfless. I will try to document this journey as best I can.

In the meanwhile, please check out this guest post written by Lyndon Jones - I think it's a great reflection piece