Friday, September 23, 2011

Facing my fears

Some people think I'm brave and fearless. The thing is I only have moments of bravery. I act in these moments because it's hard to live with the regret that I've grown accustom to.

I'm afraid of a lot things; making bad decisions, allowing people to get close to me, falling in love with a man who possesses the ability to love me back properly, being seen as uneducated or incompetent, feeling worthy without contingencies, spiritual evolution, writing a book instead of escaping with one, being fit, etc. The thing is if I prove myself capable ...... then no excuses will be available to me for not fully embracing my life.

But, I struggle because I want to savor every second of my life.....not just in moments of bravery and justified moments of knowing my self worth. Yet, I think what if I allow myself to become who I want to be and still feel unsatisfied?

It's 11am and here I sit with my 2nd glass of Viognier and my 101 list of things to do before I die....

4. Adopt a dog from a shelter.

5. Fall hopelessly in love again ....Find my Twin Soul and experience consummate love.

8. Cook 3 Haitian Meals flawlessly.

19. Celebrate Golden Anniversary.

24. Live my life without fear and trust my intuition.

32. Host 300 Fabulous dinner parties with family and friends who've been let past my wall.

49. Learn to sculpt.

52. Spiritually Evolve - Know and conduct myself as a spiritual being in a human body without identifying with my job, sex, race or religion, and truly believe that I'm not Inferior or Superior to anyone. Conduct myself in a manner which reflects my beliefs - We are all here to learn through experience and hopefully leave the world a bit better for it.

57. Write an essay about outlaw women and their contributions to society.

62. Volunteer 100 hours in a year - 2 hours per week.

As I mull this list over and enjoy some AM wine.....the question remains - When do I start?