Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Road to loving me ..........Banishing Jealousy

Sometimes, I feel like I'm on a roller coaster. Last week I felt so good; evolved. spiritually aware, and oh so Zen...... I was amazed at how changing my mind set and living in love versus fear has really changed my life.

On this journey toward loving myself, I have been radiating an overwhelming amount of positive energy which has allowed me to float on air. I know this sounds crazy but it's very true...I feel more attractive and I know it isn't in my head because people are reacting to me differently. Ok, I'll give you a few examples ; leaving school in my gym clothes (glorified pajamas) , Farmers Market, Wine shop, etc - random men stops me to tell me how beautiful I am. Guys hit on me but not to this extent....it's also a little deeper than just appearing more attractive. I feel so grateful for things that I never really thought about or have taken for granted ; family, friends, good relationships with my ex's, positive interaction with strangers, etc. Now that I'm paying attention to what these people add to my life. I honestly feel so blessed and find this thought playing in repeat " I'm really surrounded by good people."

I was at the post office the other day and the clerk spent 20 minutes helping me decide the quickest, most cost effectives way to ship vegan cookies to my Dad. At one point , he looked at me and said " I don't know why I'm telling you all this but I just want to help", I knew it was because I'd raised my vibrational level of love/positivity - he was totally feeding off of my energy. Raising my vibrational level hasn't only changed peoples reaction to me but...... has changed me; I want to go out of my way to help people or see someone smile. I'm now regulating my thoughts and am constantly checking negative and/or abusive language toward myself and others, I've been in a few situations which would normally set me off and said to myself " simmer down - 5 minutes of anger will suppress your immune system for 6 hours or how will being pissed off help? or encouraging myself to be compassionate .I even started meditating .....I'm not that good and have fallen asleep a couple of times. But, I swear 10 mins of peace , quiet, and centering oneself feels amazing.

It's fairly easy to do this sort of work internally , especially if you haven't told anyone and aren't experiencing any distractions via negative feedback or just emotional ups/downs, Now heres my conondrum, I meet a cute boy * achillies heel* and fell into instant attraction. We have good conversation, share sweet text messages, curosity peaking inbox messages via facebook, and followed it all up with an amazing date. I'm somewhat in my head - I mean .....Should I be dating right now - aren't I dating myself? (is this cheating ? am I cheating on me? lol ). But ,I've also vowed to live in faith versus fear. Therefore, I must to go for it.

In the process of setting up a 2nd date. I see a Facebook comment on my potential new boo's wall status....

Him - I'm so tired and thirsty

Literally Thirsty Chick ( I know I'm judging *shrug* it's a process) - How about a cold beer and a massage ?:)

I have a nasty jealous side and this side of me has been trapped in a box during this process. My crazy green eyed monster is now trying to break out and it's terrifying. She wants to research, research the results of the research, review posts, and all this crazy shit.....it has taken all my willpower to stifle this bitch. I thought during this journey toward loving myself - I'd banish this demon, I mean if you think about it .....Jealously is a result of being insecure which is an emotion driven by fear. I'm now consciously living in faith ......" Why would I be jealous?". I am being so ridiculous because I've learned the hard way ; no matter how much I try to prevent ish, no matter how jealous I get, or how much "G" checking I do, or Info I have .......it means nothing. I can't prevent a damn thing because I can't change anyone but myself. Instead of living in torturous fear and holding my breath .....I'm going to chill.

I really hate feeling jealous and abhor the word insecure ....it makes me nauseous. It's a character flaw that I cannot live with because it brings down my vibrational energy and unfortunately - I'm more aware of this now. It's a disgusting murky feeling that feels impossible to shake off. I can no longer look to my partner or a potential partner to secure me. I need to take care of securing myself. I'm not sure how long this will take but I know admitting this weakness is the first step. I suppose regulating my thoughts, speech, and actions will follow.

I know I'm special. I use to feel bad for thinking or wanting to proclaim this because I didn't want to be thought of as conceited or feel arrogant. But, the truth is I am...

I'm Authentic , Free - Thinking , Expansive, Creative, Family Orientated, Introspective, Benevolent, Easy to get along with, Good Listener.....

I'm Funny , Daring, Spontaneous, Evolving, Spiritual, Lovable, Happy,Spunky, Flirty, In Love with LOVE, Honest, Loyal

I'm Sexy , Beautiful, Confident, Fearless, Ballsy, Loner, Smart, Intuitive, Excitable, Generous, Caring

I'm Special and these characteristic barely scratch the surface of the complexity which is me . I will remember this when my green eyed monster strikes.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Road to loving me .....falling in love with my highest potential

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."

I solemnly pledge to commit to me and falling in love with my own highest potential. I'm not going to change my optimistic view or how I love .

Society promotes fear and wants us to feel ashamed for becoming a permeable membrane; selfless in love, generous, open minded, and willingness to connect to the spirit versus " our must haves list". I have to admit it's a hard thing to do but it's all a part of living in faith versus fear and staying in the presents instead of anticipating non existent future problems.

One of my many cousins posted an awesome face book quote which I'll jack

"Life is not about good planning; it is about adaptability to things that don't go according to your good plan."

At the end of the day this means being flexible and open......We need to get out of our heads and truly enjoy life's miracles. I don't believe that can happen without recognizing ones highest potential because if we had any idea how limitless our boundaries ...........we'd be truly fearless.

Fear holds us inside of ourselves (closes us off) ...whereas faith allows us to fly and see opportunities everywhere. So, I'm not discarding my optimism just directing it inwardly which will radiate energy allowing me to attract what's needed to evolve.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Road to loving me .....I am unique therefore very special

I'm going to make this short and sweet " Love is the source of all good things". Durning, the family visit my cuz, brother, and I were taking pics and I freaked out over an unflattering image. I was very stiff while taking the pics and clearly uncomfortable. My little cousin whose 21 years old said " Why are you being so Insecure you look fine?" I don't know why but his comment resonated with me. I thought to myself " Why are you freaking out and feeling so uncomfortable in your own skin?"

My mind was subconciously comparing myself to our societys standard of air brushed beauty. Although, I'm no supermodel. I'm a very attractive woman and even if I weren't ....I'm smart,funny, positive, loyal, forgiving, compassionate, and of all these wonderful things that I share with others. But, I also have alot of other qualities which no one shares .My combination is unique , special, and worthy of unconditional love. On a deeper level my soul which is a reflection of God is worthy of unconditional love. My life is worthy of unconditional love. I'm grateful for the essence of me.

I decided then I need to rectify my relationship with myself. I now look at myself with new eyes and conciously reminded myself that I'm special and deserving of unconditonal love .....especially from myself.

“I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it — I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes.

Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know — but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me.

However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.

I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.”
Denis2005 Virginia Satir quotes (American Psychologist and Educator, 1916-1988)

Monday, March 21, 2011

Family Ties ........Road to loving me

I come from a huge family , both my parents are 1 of 8 or 9 kids, almost all their siblings have children, and the average amount of kids per sibling is 3. My family is "Wu Tang Clan" big which can be a positive or a negative depending on the day. We interact in extremes ; some days we are way too blunt other days we tip toe around each other suppressing important conversations, sometimes we talk but most times we keep things super private, we can be extremely prideful/ ego orientated others times we are really vulnerable. etc. We are walking contradictions individually and within our unit. The reason is because our loved ones disapproval is often the worst kind of hurt. We are also very different- It's hard looking at ones reflection from so many different and sometimes foreign perspectives.

My cousins Pop's 26th birthday is tomorrow and the children of my aunts and uncles chose to celebrate a bit earlier, Thursday of last week early :) It was amazing to see everyone flock from the dirty south and DC come together to celebrate one of our births. I know this may sound crazy but..... the gathering felt predestined. There were several incidents that supports my observation but the most significant was the emotional connections. Everyone walked away with more than R&R. My brother who recently broke up with the love of his life and mother of his child received support from my uncles/ male cousins. I'm a loving older sister but couldn't offer the support or understanding an older familial male can based on experiences. Everyone left NYC feeling something; inspired , re -energized, loved, understood, supported, and altered. I personally had a chance to reconnect with a cousin that I haven't spoke to for a few years and was surprised to meet a different person. He was always cool but this new liberal, free thinking, anti rigid cousin seemed so much lighter and happier. Many concerned & sincere questions, hugs, and conversations made me feel like I wasn't alone. I'm strong and self sufficient but I often feel a bit fearful . As If,I don't have the luxury of making mistakes . If I fall where would I land? I think this weekend showed me how wrong I was - no man is an island. I was able to be vulnerable and felt as if a ton of bricks was lifted from my shoulders.

Some people may walk away from family functions feeling lighter, filled with love, and altered. But,that hasn't been the case at most of our family gatherings there is usually some tension and very shallow breathing. Our family is filled with strong personalities that have historically clashed when thrown together due to, pride, keeping up appearances,etc.. The children in our family were taught " no one needs to know what happens in my home & to have PRIDE ( or put a wall up) " when interacting with one another . We all love each other but aren't touchy feely or overly emotional - everyone is pretty stoic unless were expressing anger. My generation of cousins is breaking that mold because we've learned through our upbringing that isn't the way to go. We need love, compassion, care, and the appreciation of others. If we don't honor our relationships and utilize them fully. The consequences can affect other aspects of our lives. I've racked my brain for years trying to determine why I couldn't let go of relationships that had expired. The truth is I was using my partner/ lover as my only support system. Therefore, I couldn't walk away even if my life depended on it. In this process of dating and loving myself. I'm able to analyze me and work on growing as a person.

I love life because we learn everyday through experiences and can see miracles all around us ...... if we open our eyes. I believe this weekend was a miracle for my family and a step in the right direction. Although, the culture has been to be reserved. We all decided to shatter the mold in order to grow. It's amazing what a group can do collectively without discussing it. We had to experience the opposite in order to evolve into a supportive family until together. It's weird our consciousness was raised simultaneously allowing us to give of ourselves freely. I have to say this weekend was an amazing uplifting experience.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Falling in love again........

I've been blogging for myself for a while now. Ok,.....It's been more than a while. I've written for me since I bore this vehicle which allows me to document my growth or lack thereof, My friends & family have tried to suggest being ; a bit private, less private, more accessible, fun, theme orientated (social, relationships, etc). I smile and say I'll consider it..... the truth is ......it's taken a while but, I'm only about "being" true to me.

With that said, I've noticed that many people from different countries, states, and cities have been drawn to the " I still love my Ex" post. I wrote it 8 days ago today. But,I feel so far away from that feeling of longing - I'm over that relationship and have accepted that it's ended. I truly believe everything that was written - nothing good could come from pinning. I wanted desperately to physically re-experience our love which I can now only contain in my heart. After weeks of fighting emotionally draining sadness, tension, despair, and going to bed early ...hoping that tomorrow would bring a better day. I've come through this emotional storm and am now enveloped in a tranquil sense of calm.

Logic couldn't help me because the heart and the brain don't share the same continent. I knew our break up was for the best and was even a catalyst for spiritual and emotional growth. However, my heart wanted no parts of that boring ass logical reasoning, Guess you're wondering what helped? ......Spirituality, I had to be calm and listen to my intuition which drew me to certain books , text, and the unequivocal truth, I will always be in a series of disappointing relationships unless I make myself whole. The idea of making myself whole was a hard pill to swallow and my " ego" didn't like hearing that at all. My ego screamed; I have hobbies, I'm in school, I'm super independent, I AM WHOLE!!!!!!, etc. But, the truth is I do view being a part of a union as an indication of personal success ; support, pooling a resources, team mentality, sexual, spiritual, mental, emotional connected, joining of families, intrinsic value, etc, there isn't anything wrong with believing any of the above, as human beings we need each other (no man is an island).The issue with me is I believed - I'd be incomplete or not as successful If I don't accomplish these things.

I know in my heart that regardless of the path life takes me on - I'll be accomplished. I'll grown in any pre destined path. However, I don't want these fleeting moments of happiness in my relationships followed by disappointments when things get a bit bumpy. I don't want to hungrily crave that positive reflection of myself in my loved ones eyes. I want my beliefs about myself to be based on my reality versus someone else's perception. I've never had trouble attracting a mate, falling in love, experiencing great moments but my goal is to sustain my new relationship. I know this is an attainable goal; by trusting my instincts and forming secured attachments. In order to accomplish this goal, I must learn to love myself unconditionally.

I'm currently in a monogamous relationship with ME. I want to sustain this relationship and do for myself what I do for others, take time to connect with me, cook for me, spend time with me, learn to trust me, surprise myself with things I love, and most importantly fall in love with me. I will not be dating during this time which scares me because I'm kind of boy crazy.

It'll be alright.....I just know in my heart this is what I need to do.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Perception Vs Reality

"A hostile person lives in a hostile world,
A loving person lives in a loving world."

We only need to look at a situation from a different angle, or from another's point of view, (or see the 'bigger' picture), and that can totally change our experience of life and its myriad of events.

The real voyage of discovery
consists not in seeing new landscapes,
but in having new eyes.

~ Marcel Proust ~

Reality is what we take to be true.
What we take to be true is what we believe.
What we believe is based upon our perceptions.
What we perceive depends upon what we look for.
What we look for depends upon what we think.
What we think depends upon what we perceive.
What we perceive determines what we believe.
What we believe determines what we take to be true.
What we take to be true is our reality.
~ Gary Zukav ~

Life is the movie you see
through your own unique eyes.
It makes little difference
what's happening out there.
It's how you take it
that counts.

~ Dr Dennis Waitley, motivational author and lecturer
(from 'The Winner's Edge') ~

We shall not cease from exploration
and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started
and to know the place for the first time.

~ T.S. Eliot (1888-1965)
Poet, Dramatist and Literary Critic ~

Truth is that which does not contaminate you, but empowers you.
Therefore, there are degrees of truth, but, generically,
truth is that which can do no harm.
It cannot harm.

~ Gary Zukav from "Seat Of The Soul" ~

We do not see things as they are.
We see them as we are.

~ The Talmud ~

What we think,
or what we know,
or what we believe,
is, in the end, of little consequence.
The only consequence is what we do.

~ John Ruskin ~

Don't believe what your eyes are telling you.
All they show is limitation.
Look with your understanding,
find out what you already know,
and you'll see the way to fly.

~ Richard Bach
(from 'Johnathan Livingstone Seagull') ~

The man who views the world at fifty,
the same as he did at twenty,
has wasted thirty years of his life.

~ Muhammed Ali ~

The difference between
a flower and a weed
is a judgement.

~ Author Unknown ~

‘One new perception,
one fresh thought,
one act of surrender,
one change of heart,
one leap of faith,
can change your life forever.’

~ Robert Holden - Author & Psychologist
from the book, 'Shift Happens!' ~

What you love, you empower
And what you fear, you empower
And what you empower, you attract.
~ Author Unknown ~

I am not my memories. I am my dreams. ~ Terry Hostetler, American Entrepreneur ~

Men are disturbed not by the things that happen,
But by their opinion of the things that happen.

~ Epictetus ~

At any moment
I could start being a better person...
But, which moment should I choose?

~ Ashleigh Brilliant - author, artist ~

The best and most beautiful things in the world
cannot be seen nor touched
but are felt in the heart.

~ Helen Keller ~

It's not them, it's you.
It's not there, it's here.
It's not then, it's now.

~ Author Unknown ~


Enjoy these quote from the website above ....sums up what my post would have said :)

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Festa Delle Donne

Today, I discovered an awesome holiday " Festa Delle Donne"

"Festa della Donna (International Women's Day) -- March 8

Before the Second World War, Women's Day had been celebrated on different days in early March in several Italian cities. In 1945, the Union of Italian Women decided to hold all celebrations and commemorations on March 8. However appropriate it would have been, they didn't have Ariadne (see website below) in mind. In fact they were memorializing two events outside of Italy: a March 8, 1857, strike by women garment workers in New York, which led to the formation two years later of the first women's union in the United States, and a strike by Russian women calling for "bread and peace" on March 8, 1917 (February 23 on the old Russian calendar but March 8 in the rest of the world.)

Authorities don't agree how or why, but the custom started in Italy -- some sources say in Rome in 1946 -- of men giving their wives, mothers, daughters, and other women friends sprigs of bright yellow Mimosa flowers on March 8. Women have since also started to give Mimosa to each other. The flowers are intended as a sign of respect for the women and also an expression of solidarity with the women in their support for oppressed women worldwide. This mild year some Mimosa trees in Rome were already in bloom at the end of January, so there may not be much left by March 8. Other yellow flowers also carry the sentiment, if you can't find Mimosa."

I love this expression of solidarity and also heart the idea of men reserving one day to publicly honor the women in their lives. It's always exciting to arrive but the journey is equally as fascinating in most cases. Some may find any celebration dedicated to any one gender sexist .But, lets keep it real - every day since the beginning of time has been "Festa Dei Uomini" ( Feast of Men). Women have had a notoriously tough time throughout history- let's recap.

* Since early times women have been respected as a source of life. However, they have been considered not only intellectually inferior to men but also a main source of temptation. Early Christian theology perpetuated these views. St. Jerome, a 4th - century Latin father of the Christian church said; " Woman is the gate of the devil, the path of wickedness, the sting of the serpent, in a word a perilous object"

* Women have also long been considered the weaker sex and unable to perform work requiring muscular or intellectual development. The resulting stereotype that " A woman's place is in the home" which has created a cultural pressure for women to be great wives and mothers. We all want to be great mothers and spouses but this pressure has prevented many talented women from finishing college or pursuing careers e.g. in the 60's, scholastic tests revealed achievement of girls were higher in early grades than in high school. The reason is the girls expectations declined because neither the teachers nor families expected them to prepare for a future other than motherhood.

* The myth of the inferiority in women influenced a woman's status in regarding law. Under the common law of England. an unmarried woman could own property, make a contract , or sue and be sued. But, a married woman, gave up her name , and virtually all her property under her husbands control. During the early history of the United States , a man virtually owned his wife and children as he did his material possessions, In the 19th century, many laws restricted the rights of working women; laws prohibiting a woman from working more than 8 hours a day or working at night effectively prevented many women from holding jobs, particularly supervisory positions that might require over time work. Laws in states prohibiting women from lifting over 15lbs again barring women from many jobs. Discrimination in other fields persisted as well; retail stores in granting credit to married. single, or divorced women making it difficult to purchase a home or car. The Equal Pay Act was only passed in 1963....shall go on?

I can go on and on about discrimination against women in our history and how it's lead to published feminist philosophies " Declaration of The Rights of Women" and , " Woman's Bible" and the many organized women reform groups which ultimately gave us the power to vote and be treated as equals. It sometimes feel like we are still in the Dark Ages; pressure to be beautiful, thin, married, sexy, and the other labels that prevent us from being powerful. In my heart " Festa Della Donne" is a celebration for all and a reminded to cast aside labels , think freely, and live authentically. The only limitations one has is believing what you're told, rather than believing in ones self.

As a human being I empathize with anyone being discriminated against but as an African American woman - I can related. I guess that's what makes me so appreciative of this holiday.

In the words of Margret Fuller

" Individuals have unlimited capacities and when people's roles are defined according to their sex, human development was severely limited"




Monday, March 7, 2011

Above The Influence of ........their opinion

OMG!!!!!! pleaaaaaasse shut up.....

I'm so tired of talking, reading, and thinking about relationships. Honestly, it's out of control - as a woman I can't escape the chatter; talk shows, therapy,random conversation with friends, blog topics, magazine articles, etc. I don't need anymore advice or opinions; wear more/ less make up, work out (skinny is in) don't (curves are the biz), smile more (but not too much you may get taken advantage of), settle ( no ones perfect), don't settle/ compromise on anything ( money, house w 2 car garage, and white picket fence - Does it matter that he may be a workaholic who you'll never see? ).........

Uh, I've already come to the realization - I'm perfect in my imperfection, worthy and deserving of love. Oh yea, by the way....I don't want to live in the suburbs and rather a family orientated guy.

* huge sigh*

I spent my 20's in a long term relationship (mini marriage) because I fell hopelessly in love. But, I stayed past the relationship's expiration date because I was afraid of starting over. Afraid of starting over? In retrospect, my thought process was just absurd " afraid of starting over" ......I was 25. I should have been enjoying my life, creating memorable experiences, finding my self, been flexible,and embracing change which always translates into spiritual and emotional growth.

Unfortunately, I didn't do that.....I allowed myself to react to the relationship hysterics "try to wrangle a man even the wrong one before you end up alone". Although, I didn't necessarily believe in the chatter - I still did dumb ish to be safe. I've never had a problem attracting a man. All of the men whose honored me by aligning their lives with mine for whatever period of time ... loved me (still do). The majority of my relationships's have been serious but none have lasted more than a few years. Our relationships were laboratories for growth. We came together until there was nothing left to learn individually or as a unit. All of my most profound relationships ......just happened. I didn't look for them which is telling......

In my experience, whenever I forced a union for any reason; dating someone I'm not attracted to out of fear of being alone or "missing out on something that could be "it" -it's ended with disastrous results. We as women need to tune out all the white noise and focus on ourselves and enjoying our lives. Men do this because GI Joe didnt come with a castrated GI Jane. We can't plan our happiness around a person because there are too many variable; mostly he or she may have an objection or two.

The result of allowing everyone else's fear to seep into your subconscious is dissatisfaction with oneself, tension, influenced actions, and unnecessary stress . I'm by no means saying don't date - I loooooove men and their company *wink*. I'm just suggesting living in faith versus fear and focusing on our selves, our desires, intuition, and things important to onesself versus living under artificial pressure or fear.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

I still love my Ex

Since the few readers I had ...left me - no need to apologize for my lack of blogging :)

Besides being busy, stressed out, and overwhelmed with my full time work and school schedule. I'm still hopelessly in love with my ex - boyfriend. My friends are disgusted by the idea , roll their eyes, and sigh heavily if I even broach the subject.....crazy thing is they're absolutely right. The relationship lasted 3 months at best, sort of rocky from day one, and icky toward the end. Our personalities and love languages didn't even share the same zip code....yet there was still an intense attraction and swift emotional connection.

The thing I love most about our relationship was neither one of us was looking. Our meeting was serindipitous.

I saw guy at school who reminded me of him today and I eye f&cked the shit out of him - LOL. Poor guy, I sent him all of this energy expressing love, longing, forgiveness, gratitude, guilt, anger, appreciation, annoyance,acceptance, support, friendship, sexual tension, etc.....all these extreme emotional feelings regarding our relationship. I have reached out but my ex hasn't responded. The crazy thing is although my feelings are a bit hurt......I know he's right. What would happen if he responded ? We'd probably end up on the same ride resenting each other for many different reasons . It would take a great deal of compassion and compromise to make our relationship work. I'm definetly more compassionate than he but am not as patient. If his attitude didn't reach my expected level of evolution - I'd be upset. We'd repeat our negative cycle and push each other away.

I honestly feel like this experience was necessary for me to grow as a person.I've grown alot and our relationship was like a mirror and finally allowed me to see my faults in a union. I honestly never blame myself for a break up or take very little responsibility because something drastic usually happens - not of my making *sheepish grin*. I know that I'll find someone more suited to me. But, I hate losing valuable things and more importantly valuable people......I hate that I've lost him.

At times, we have to lose in order to gain wisdom and create space for something better.