Wednesday, July 28, 2010
My dad suggested I write about forgiveness when I started this blog a few weeks back. I liked the idea but felt sort of hypocritical writing about a subject which I had no experience. Besides, I had a few unresolved beefs grilling. So, I nixed the idea and wrote about other things. Now I’ve never been one to hold a grudge because I say what’s on my mind, leave the sugar coat out, and move on just as quickly. I’m not the most diplomatic gentle person and have been called a sledge hammer on many occasions. Yet, my loyalty runs deep, I’d do anything for anyone I consider a friend ,and am generous to a fault. So, if I came to friend or family member and express a concern or complain about hurt feelings – I expect empathy, an apology ,and a plan to ensure said offense never happens again. If I don’t get those things in that order .... I usually go defective and the smiley jokey light person becomes a walking ticking Hiroshima bomb. When the bomb goes off, I end up losing one of the few friends I’ve got and am left wracked with guilt, resentment, and a leaky open emotional wound.
On my journey to self improvement something odd and inspiring has been happening. I’ve started looking at my life in a completely different way. Besides my silly questions conducive to getting fit such as “are you hungry? If so, do you want an apple? I’ve started being more aware of my behavior and stopped saying “I have a terrible temper” “ It isn’t my fault because I’m rarely angry” and “if I blew up – it’s because you pushed me! “ I’ve started to say “Is this worth fighting for or about?” I’ve often noticed that small annoyances are often blown out of proportion because they aren’t handled the right way. The blow outs usually erode my familial, friendship, and intimate bonds. Am I always at fault? No, of course not besides, I’m not so evolved that I’d take complete blame for every situation. I’ve been taken advantage of, misunderstood, and a glutton for punishment at times. The point is I always have control of the way I feel post misunderstanding or feeling “said person may not have my best interest at heart”. I always have the choice to walk away or work it out. Things never have to get to the Hiroshima bomb stage because it’s a drain on my energy and bad for my health. It never feels good to cut someone out of your life. The wound of a damaged relationship is covered with a band aid but never heals.
My understanding of forgiveness deepened this week. My phone has been ghost calling my contact list which is odd considering I have a new phone, no transferred contacts, and few sim card saved contacts. The people I’ve been purse dialing are folks I lost contact with or had fall outs with years past. My ghost contacts have allowed me to make amends and apologize to anyone left on the grill. Well, some people I made up with within the last year and today the last beef was squashed due to a ghost call. I’ll spare you the details. But, I’ve never felt so light and never realized I was so heavy. Some of the shit I fought about was so stupid and ridiculous. I’m not perfect and never will be. I’m always going to make mistakes and only hope to become wiser in the process. The point is as much as I want to be accepted for me flaws and all, I have to start excepting other for who they are as well. It doesn’t mean that I need to force friendships with people whose hurt me and minimize or justify bad behavior. It just means that I need to value myself enough to live in peace; free of negativity, grudges, and bitterness. Forgiveness is about choice, a choice to live well and not allow my emotions to be held hostage by someone else’s behavior. I’m too powerful to be anyone’s victim.