Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Rectifying my relationship with my body

I got on the scale today and discovered an 8lb weight gain; I was both horrified and mortified. I'm a control freak, avid reader, and fixer so I immediately set to put those skills to good use. If my thoughts were tracked by mini lights, my brain would have lit up like Time Square. I immediately grabbed my belongings and went on my lunch break. Proceed to calculate my intake for the day, called my cousin to arrange for a run later, and head to Barnes and Noble. I figure I'd look up new weight lifting techniques, interval exercises, and jot down a few healthy low calorie recipes. I reached the fitness section first but was so upset that I couldn't bond with a book. Book Bonding is finding information that addresses your specific situation (dilemma in my case) - nerdy self soothing prescription. My emotions were running so high, all I could do was leaf through books, barely absorbing any information

I decided to switch gears and headed to the self improvement aisle. I was immediately drawn to the mediation, quiet spaces, Tai Chi type books and was flooded with emotions. Emotional unpleasantries that I'd psychologically boxed up came to the surface in the form of uncomfortable fleeting memories. My mind replayed my relationship with a person I considered a friend, ex - fiancĂ©, money issues, etc. It was all so overwhelming that I abandoned my mission to control my weight and decided to just walk for an hour. The truth revealed itself during my walk. I finally believed that my extra weight was a symptom of unaddressed emotional issues. Whether, I’m happy (favorite), sad (sweet), distressed (sweet), angry (crunchy), etc. I comfort myself with food.

Make no mistake my wanting to maintain a healthy weight has nothing to do with media outlets , societies definition of “beauty”, or an useless unless thin syndrome; not dating, swimming, socializing, trying to achieve goals, vacationing, sexing unless skinny. I was there in my early 20’s when I should have been enjoying my sensuality, endless energy, and beauty; crazy thing – I wasn’t even fat. I’m not aspiring to be a sample size or have thighs my hands can fit around. But, I don’t want to struggle to climb stairs, be unable to walk long distances, or run for the bus. I want to be active, toned, and healthy regardless of the number on the scale. Appreciating ones mind, body, and soul is more than just loving yourself regardless of size, race, height, relationship status, title, etc. it’s about honoring our lives and the tools that help us exist.

I refuse to continue this dysfunctional relationship with my body. I refuse to emotionally harm myself by feeling guilty over weight gain or not exercising. I refuse to spiritually harm myself by not dealing with emotional upsets which causes me to shut down, close off, and seek solace in instant gratification. I refuse to physically abuse my body by eating good, working out, binge drinking, flossing, smoking, and washing my make up off when the mood strikes. I vow to honor myself and consistently do well and occasionally indulge, let’s face it I’m no saint. I’m not perfect, nor will I ever be. But, I can enjoy my imperfect existence fully with more balance and less extremes which will result in a better me.

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