Thursday, March 3, 2011

I still love my Ex

Since the few readers I had ...left me - no need to apologize for my lack of blogging :)

Besides being busy, stressed out, and overwhelmed with my full time work and school schedule. I'm still hopelessly in love with my ex - boyfriend. My friends are disgusted by the idea , roll their eyes, and sigh heavily if I even broach the subject.....crazy thing is they're absolutely right. The relationship lasted 3 months at best, sort of rocky from day one, and icky toward the end. Our personalities and love languages didn't even share the same zip code....yet there was still an intense attraction and swift emotional connection.

The thing I love most about our relationship was neither one of us was looking. Our meeting was serindipitous.

I saw guy at school who reminded me of him today and I eye f&cked the shit out of him - LOL. Poor guy, I sent him all of this energy expressing love, longing, forgiveness, gratitude, guilt, anger, appreciation, annoyance,acceptance, support, friendship, sexual tension, etc.....all these extreme emotional feelings regarding our relationship. I have reached out but my ex hasn't responded. The crazy thing is although my feelings are a bit hurt......I know he's right. What would happen if he responded ? We'd probably end up on the same ride resenting each other for many different reasons . It would take a great deal of compassion and compromise to make our relationship work. I'm definetly more compassionate than he but am not as patient. If his attitude didn't reach my expected level of evolution - I'd be upset. We'd repeat our negative cycle and push each other away.

I honestly feel like this experience was necessary for me to grow as a person.I've grown alot and our relationship was like a mirror and finally allowed me to see my faults in a union. I honestly never blame myself for a break up or take very little responsibility because something drastic usually happens - not of my making *sheepish grin*. I know that I'll find someone more suited to me. But, I hate losing valuable things and more importantly valuable people......I hate that I've lost him.

At times, we have to lose in order to gain wisdom and create space for something better.

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