Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Road to loving me ..........Banishing Jealousy
Sometimes, I feel like I'm on a roller coaster. Last week I felt so good; evolved. spiritually aware, and oh so Zen...... I was amazed at how changing my mind set and living in love versus fear has really changed my life.
On this journey toward loving myself, I have been radiating an overwhelming amount of positive energy which has allowed me to float on air. I know this sounds crazy but it's very true...I feel more attractive and I know it isn't in my head because people are reacting to me differently. Ok, I'll give you a few examples ; leaving school in my gym clothes (glorified pajamas) , Farmers Market, Wine shop, etc - random men stops me to tell me how beautiful I am. Guys hit on me but not to this extent....it's also a little deeper than just appearing more attractive. I feel so grateful for things that I never really thought about or have taken for granted ; family, friends, good relationships with my ex's, positive interaction with strangers, etc. Now that I'm paying attention to what these people add to my life. I honestly feel so blessed and find this thought playing in repeat " I'm really surrounded by good people."
I was at the post office the other day and the clerk spent 20 minutes helping me decide the quickest, most cost effectives way to ship vegan cookies to my Dad. At one point , he looked at me and said " I don't know why I'm telling you all this but I just want to help", I knew it was because I'd raised my vibrational level of love/positivity - he was totally feeding off of my energy. Raising my vibrational level hasn't only changed peoples reaction to me but...... has changed me; I want to go out of my way to help people or see someone smile. I'm now regulating my thoughts and am constantly checking negative and/or abusive language toward myself and others, I've been in a few situations which would normally set me off and said to myself " simmer down - 5 minutes of anger will suppress your immune system for 6 hours or how will being pissed off help? or encouraging myself to be compassionate .I even started meditating .....I'm not that good and have fallen asleep a couple of times. But, I swear 10 mins of peace , quiet, and centering oneself feels amazing.
It's fairly easy to do this sort of work internally , especially if you haven't told anyone and aren't experiencing any distractions via negative feedback or just emotional ups/downs, Now heres my conondrum, I meet a cute boy * achillies heel* and fell into instant attraction. We have good conversation, share sweet text messages, curosity peaking inbox messages via facebook, and followed it all up with an amazing date. I'm somewhat in my head - I mean .....Should I be dating right now - aren't I dating myself? (is this cheating ? am I cheating on me? lol ). But ,I've also vowed to live in faith versus fear. Therefore, I must to go for it.
In the process of setting up a 2nd date. I see a Facebook comment on my potential new boo's wall status....
Him - I'm so tired and thirsty
Literally Thirsty Chick ( I know I'm judging *shrug* it's a process) - How about a cold beer and a massage ?:)
I have a nasty jealous side and this side of me has been trapped in a box during this process. My crazy green eyed monster is now trying to break out and it's terrifying. She wants to research, research the results of the research, review posts, and all this crazy shit.....it has taken all my willpower to stifle this bitch. I thought during this journey toward loving myself - I'd banish this demon, I mean if you think about it .....Jealously is a result of being insecure which is an emotion driven by fear. I'm now consciously living in faith ......" Why would I be jealous?". I am being so ridiculous because I've learned the hard way ; no matter how much I try to prevent ish, no matter how jealous I get, or how much "G" checking I do, or Info I have .......it means nothing. I can't prevent a damn thing because I can't change anyone but myself. Instead of living in torturous fear and holding my breath .....I'm going to chill.
I really hate feeling jealous and abhor the word insecure ....it makes me nauseous. It's a character flaw that I cannot live with because it brings down my vibrational energy and unfortunately - I'm more aware of this now. It's a disgusting murky feeling that feels impossible to shake off. I can no longer look to my partner or a potential partner to secure me. I need to take care of securing myself. I'm not sure how long this will take but I know admitting this weakness is the first step. I suppose regulating my thoughts, speech, and actions will follow.
I know I'm special. I use to feel bad for thinking or wanting to proclaim this because I didn't want to be thought of as conceited or feel arrogant. But, the truth is I am...
I'm Authentic , Free - Thinking , Expansive, Creative, Family Orientated, Introspective, Benevolent, Easy to get along with, Good Listener.....
I'm Funny , Daring, Spontaneous, Evolving, Spiritual, Lovable, Happy,Spunky, Flirty, In Love with LOVE, Honest, Loyal
I'm Sexy , Beautiful, Confident, Fearless, Ballsy, Loner, Smart, Intuitive, Excitable, Generous, Caring
I'm Special and these characteristic barely scratch the surface of the complexity which is me . I will remember this when my green eyed monster strikes.