Friday, March 11, 2011
Falling in love again........
I've been blogging for myself for a while now. Ok,.....It's been more than a while. I've written for me since I bore this vehicle which allows me to document my growth or lack thereof, My friends & family have tried to suggest being ; a bit private, less private, more accessible, fun, theme orientated (social, relationships, etc). I smile and say I'll consider it..... the truth is ......it's taken a while but, I'm only about "being" true to me.
With that said, I've noticed that many people from different countries, states, and cities have been drawn to the " I still love my Ex" post. I wrote it 8 days ago today. But,I feel so far away from that feeling of longing - I'm over that relationship and have accepted that it's ended. I truly believe everything that was written - nothing good could come from pinning. I wanted desperately to physically re-experience our love which I can now only contain in my heart. After weeks of fighting emotionally draining sadness, tension, despair, and going to bed early ...hoping that tomorrow would bring a better day. I've come through this emotional storm and am now enveloped in a tranquil sense of calm.
Logic couldn't help me because the heart and the brain don't share the same continent. I knew our break up was for the best and was even a catalyst for spiritual and emotional growth. However, my heart wanted no parts of that boring ass logical reasoning, Guess you're wondering what helped? ......Spirituality, I had to be calm and listen to my intuition which drew me to certain books , text, and the unequivocal truth, I will always be in a series of disappointing relationships unless I make myself whole. The idea of making myself whole was a hard pill to swallow and my " ego" didn't like hearing that at all. My ego screamed; I have hobbies, I'm in school, I'm super independent, I AM WHOLE!!!!!!, etc. But, the truth is I do view being a part of a union as an indication of personal success ; support, pooling a resources, team mentality, sexual, spiritual, mental, emotional connected, joining of families, intrinsic value, etc, there isn't anything wrong with believing any of the above, as human beings we need each other (no man is an island).The issue with me is I believed - I'd be incomplete or not as successful If I don't accomplish these things.
I know in my heart that regardless of the path life takes me on - I'll be accomplished. I'll grown in any pre destined path. However, I don't want these fleeting moments of happiness in my relationships followed by disappointments when things get a bit bumpy. I don't want to hungrily crave that positive reflection of myself in my loved ones eyes. I want my beliefs about myself to be based on my reality versus someone else's perception. I've never had trouble attracting a mate, falling in love, experiencing great moments but my goal is to sustain my new relationship. I know this is an attainable goal; by trusting my instincts and forming secured attachments. In order to accomplish this goal, I must learn to love myself unconditionally.
I'm currently in a monogamous relationship with ME. I want to sustain this relationship and do for myself what I do for others, take time to connect with me, cook for me, spend time with me, learn to trust me, surprise myself with things I love, and most importantly fall in love with me. I will not be dating during this time which scares me because I'm kind of boy crazy.
It'll be alright.....I just know in my heart this is what I need to do.