Debere (to owe)....

Sorry for posting so late.

I guess I'm apologizing to myself since I'm the only person following this blog :)It's OK, I'm holding myself to the same standards. I've decided it's not OK to let myself down anymore. It's important to listen to my voice and take action that will improve my life.

The first course of action is to be honest with myself and admit that I'm in debt. Debt or Debere Latin for (to owe) is terrifying. I worry constantly about my future; Will i ever stop renting and qualify for a mortgage?, Can I break free from drone , drab, cubicle world, and actually find a job that I love (money not being an issue)?, What will happen if I lose my job ?, How long will i have to work to pay off student loans before really enjoying my paycheck?, Will i always think about money?, Will i continue to use money to keep up a mask ?, etc. The worst part is most of these questions only surfaces after I've made a whopper of a mistake or did something so completely irresponsible that I've shocked myself.

I won't give you an itemized breakdown of what I currently owe. All under the guise of sparing you the embarrassment and "privacy" - of course. However,I'll say that I'm in the ball park of $20K at 29 years old, 50% of which represents student loan debt, and the ironic part is I don't have my degree yet. Saturn Returns is forcing me to address the truth which is I've done this to myself with my "you only live once " mentality.I'm a bit disgusted with myself and proud of it. My eyes are now open, my view on only living once is all wrong. I'm now willing to own it.

I'm only going to live once, so am going to try my best to live an authentic life. My journey begins with trying to figure out what makes me truly happy versus spending money on things that boost my mood temporarily. I love shoes and feel a certain jolt collecting them , pairing them with or without an outfit *wink*, makeup,etc. However, I know that I shouldn't need external things to make me feel sexy, happy, or pretty .Hell, even that's hard to admit within our consumer driven culture.

No matter - it's time to change. Have you ever notice that all the bad things that are bad for us interconnect? I bought these fabulous shoes, now need a great dress, a new hair do to complete the package, and just for kicks will accept an invite to an overly hyped up party. Once at this overly hyped up party which turns out to be not so great and comes at a cost; drinks, cover charge, etc. I'm usually left at the end of the night with a lighter wallet, calculating how to burn off excess sugar calories ( blame it on the alcohol), heading toward some greasy spoon , and full of regret - 3rd time within a month. I'm usually thinking game night,a home cooked meal, my girls, and calorie regulated drinks would have been so much better.....

I'm coming to the realize that although I love dancing, cocktails, and music. I'm a bit over that scene and might enjoy other things more. It's time to go through that list of a million and one things that I want to do and narrow it down and find things that truly make me happy versus going with the the status flow :)

I've been reading this great book Cheapskate Next door (at B&N) which is changing my whole approach to spending.I have also beenintroduced to this great website pulsejfk.com (free shit galore) in my city _ NYC. In additon to it being summer, which means free movies and concerts in the park. I'm excited.

I'm not perfect and expect to slip but will pay off all my debt, live below my means, and become happier as a result.

Stay tuned.....