Writers Block

I have all these great post ideas; Philip Zimbardo’s Time Perspective theory, Monogamy, Honor Killings, and Going for broke. But, I can’t put seem to put any of these thoughts to paper because I’m presently in my Present-Hedonistic Person Time Perspective defined below.

Present-Hedonistic Person: Self indulgent, playful, enjoys all things that bring immediate pleasure and avoids those that involve much effort, work, planning, or unpleasantness. Lives to consume the good life and takes many different kinds of risks in part because he or she does not fully consider the realities of negative consequences and at the same time seeks stimulation and excitement. Is vulnerable to addictions of all sorts, regardless of knowledge of potential negative consequences. These people focus more on process and intrinsic motivation, rarely on products and extrinsically- motivated task performance. They are vulnerable to being caught up in social taps where short- term gains capture attention more than long- term negative consequences of imprudent actions. They do more poorly in academics (or when forced to function in future- oriented environments) than do the future people. However, where process and focus on immediate details is important, presents may do well, notably on some types of creative tasks, or activities with immediate feedback, such as video games. They can also enjoy play, sports, hobbies, high energy activities, intimacy, sexuality, parties, and may be more intense as friends. On the other hand, they are more emotional, volatile, easily upset, likely to violate convention and behave in anti-social ways, be delinquent, criminal, and aggressive.

Isn’t that great? I have to tell you about Zimbardo’s Time Perspective theory which may actually revolutionize that way we approach education, relationships, and define success. But, I can’t right now. I’m in weekend mode and ready to get out of my drab cubicle and enjoy my life. Sorry I’m totally blocked.

Forgiveness

My dad suggested I write about forgiveness when I started this blog a few weeks back. I liked the idea but felt sort of hypocritical writing about a subject which I had no experience. Besides, I had a few unresolved beefs grilling. So, I nixed the idea and wrote about other things. Now I’ve never been one to hold a grudge because I say what’s on my mind, leave the sugar coat out, and move on just as quickly. I’m not the most diplomatic gentle person and have been called a sledge hammer on many occasions. Yet, my loyalty runs deep, I’d do anything for anyone I consider a friend ,and am generous to a fault. So, if I came to friend or family member and express a concern or complain about hurt feelings – I expect empathy, an apology ,and a plan to ensure said offense never happens again. If I don’t get those things in that order .... I usually go defective and the smiley jokey light person becomes a walking ticking Hiroshima bomb. When the bomb goes off, I end up losing one of the few friends I’ve got and am left wracked with guilt, resentment, and a leaky open emotional wound.

On my journey to self improvement something odd and inspiring has been happening. I’ve started looking at my life in a completely different way. Besides my silly questions conducive to getting fit such as “are you hungry? If so, do you want an apple? I’ve started being more aware of my behavior and stopped saying “I have a terrible temper” “ It isn’t my fault because I’m rarely angry” and “if I blew up – it’s because you pushed me! “ I’ve started to say “Is this worth fighting for or about?” I’ve often noticed that small annoyances are often blown out of proportion because they aren’t handled the right way. The blow outs usually erode my familial, friendship, and intimate bonds. Am I always at fault? No, of course not besides, I’m not so evolved that I’d take complete blame for every situation. I’ve been taken advantage of, misunderstood, and a glutton for punishment at times. The point is I always have control of the way I feel post misunderstanding or feeling “said person may not have my best interest at heart”. I always have the choice to walk away or work it out. Things never have to get to the Hiroshima bomb stage because it’s a drain on my energy and bad for my health. It never feels good to cut someone out of your life. The wound of a damaged relationship is covered with a band aid but never heals.

My understanding of forgiveness deepened this week. My phone has been ghost calling my contact list which is odd considering I have a new phone, no transferred contacts, and few sim card saved contacts. The people I’ve been purse dialing are folks I lost contact with or had fall outs with years past. My ghost contacts have allowed me to make amends and apologize to anyone left on the grill. Well, some people I made up with within the last year and today the last beef was squashed due to a ghost call. I’ll spare you the details. But, I’ve never felt so light and never realized I was so heavy. Some of the shit I fought about was so stupid and ridiculous. I’m not perfect and never will be. I’m always going to make mistakes and only hope to become wiser in the process. The point is as much as I want to be accepted for me flaws and all, I have to start excepting other for who they are as well. It doesn’t mean that I need to force friendships with people whose hurt me and minimize or justify bad behavior. It just means that I need to value myself enough to live in peace; free of negativity, grudges, and bitterness. Forgiveness is about choice, a choice to live well and not allow my emotions to be held hostage by someone else’s behavior. I’m too powerful to be anyone’s victim.

No regrets anymore

Yesterday, I had tons of ideas , many different blog worthy topics. However, this little quote from the Dalai Lama aka “ HisHoliness” in twitter land really set my fingers to the keyboard

“When a positive goal has been set, you should pursue it all the way to the end. Even if it’s not realized, at least their will be no regrets. “

I really needed to hear this message and God……. is always on time. The hearts desire is always withheld or granted at the right moment, everything happens for a reason – right? I suppose that euphemism holds weight. I’ve been feeling somewhat defeated recently because changing my lifestyle hasn’t been easy. When I’m on point it’s enjoyable, empowering, and liberating. If faced with real life situations; computer needs to be fixed – no money in the budget, routine is thrown off making working out and eating specific things at certain times difficult, living my unpredicatable life, etc. feels disappointing. I don’t like how these curveballs affect my goals. My lack of control and incorrect handling of these situations have me feeling more negative than positive at times. The easiest way to make that sucky feeling go away is to quit. But, I’m not quitting anymore, in the eternal words of Theodore Roosevelt

"Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty... I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well."


I feel this statements innately correct. In the meanwhile, I refuse to feel disappointed or pat myself on the back until it’s bruised. I need to change my mindset and persevere. Every week isn’t going to be an ideal week and my assessments may not always reflect my desired results. Honestly, I’d rather be in route than sitting at a standstill, wondering what if? What if I really tried? What if I pushed through the tough times and sucky feelings? What if I really worked at it my goal every day or several hours a week? Deep inside the answer resides, I’d come thru it stronger, prouder, with better logic abilities, and honed skills.

Most importantly, I’d be living in the present moment. It would force me to savor every challenge overcome and every victory in the moment versus in reflection, allow the lesson to take root immediately, and finally live a life without regret.

Ladies; Should we be locking up the cookie jar?

Yesterday, I received an unexpected but always welcomed phone call from Ty (male friend).I know this sounds weird but we keep in touch via facebook, sporadic phone calls, and text messages. We don’t talk often but easily catch up when we do. In any event, we generally jump back into each others lives by discussing; work, health, and of course relationships. He asked – how my love life was going? I resisted the urge to bust out laughing and proceeded to say “What love life?” He was a bit confused because a few moths ago, I was on my way down that bumpy love trail. I simply summed up that relationship by saying “I got played “We both laughed hysterically. I admonished him for laughing at my misfortune while laughing alongside him a bit longer. I wasn’t angry in fact it felt good to laugh about such a painful event. The betrayal had just begun to sink in these last few weeks; during my commute, while running, walking alone, thinking, etc, my memories would trigger emotions. Emotions that quite frankly, I don’t think I’m ready to deal with therefore, won’t share at this time. The laughter we shared was due to the way I summed up the situation and my “Pre played” relationship plan.

Now let me tell you about my “Pre played “relationship plan which Ty was pretty familiar with. My plan was to take it back to the old school, take things slow, allow myself to be courted while getting to really know any potential’s. I was going to somewhat disregard the sexually liberating high women are currently on and cross my legs for a good minute or until I found that freak em worthy man. In order to avoid making the same mistakes twice, and finding myself not wanting to let go of bad fits due to emotional investments. I blamed it on the release of Oxytocin (love hormone) which intensifies bonding during sex – another blog topic. So, when I met the unexpected player I thought I was prepared – cookie jar lock - secured. My reasoning was men wanting to play silly games wouldn’t have the patience to go through the “getting to know me process” - great way to filter. Ty did tell me two years prior that my plan wouldn’t make a difference. But, I disagreed and proceeded with my plan based on personal experience. End result – rib cracking irony laced laughter.

Ty finally explained the reason for nixing the “locking the cookie jar” plan and why he thought it wouldn’t matter “it’s being handed out freely around the corner”. My plan to improve my relationships would put me in the minority category which may not work in a society filled with short attention spans and accustomed to instant gratification. I pondered……. he added “I truly believe that the sexual liberation of women is one of the factors attributing to the decline in marriage”. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy sex and the ability to enter sexual relationships without being labeled by society, independence, equality. But, I wondered – could he be right? In my situation, I invested 8 – 9 months of my life; sharing personal information, constantly texting / talking, weekly dinners, mini trips, group get togethers, etc. before getting down and dirty and it didn’t matter. My trust was unknowingly beaten and abused for nearly a year. In fact, relaying that experience to Ty who isn’t easily shocked had him speechless in a” Where dey do dat at?” kind of way. My situation was horrific and has left me uninterested in any pair bonding – for now. So, whose right? What’s the correct way to go about entering and sustaining a healthy relationship? I don’t know but welcome any advice.

Read my Medium Raw challenge essay: To cook well is to honor life - Vote for me

Read my Medium Raw challenge essay: To cook well is to honor life

To Cook Well is to Honor Life - Vote for me

Anthony Bourdain's Medium Raw Challenge

To Cook Well Is to Honor Life
by Othaniel S Cruickshank


To eat and savor a well prepared meal is to honor your life, by living it to the fullest. Good food represents nourishment and many other things as well. It symbolizes sensuality, spirituality, love, open – mindedness, comfort, acceptance, adventure, passion, and even political positions. Deliciously prepared food is as customary as the sun rising and setting.

My fondest memories involve deliciously prepared food. I remember as a child going to Auntie Esther’s house for family events and my mouth watering as I entered her home. The smell of cloves, thyme, lemon marinades, black pepper, and garlic permeated the air, floating outdoors, and beckoning myself, neighbors and strangers to hurry inside. The crackling of fried beef, fish, chicken promising a satisfying meal, laughs, salacious gossip and a good time for all. The kitchen being the center of the home where younger members paid their dues by prepping and washing endless pots and pans while learning. Tastings from the simmering pots being extensions of love doled out ceremoniously also temptations to be snuck and gobbled up secretly. Even the drinks were explosions of flavor, extensions of our meal. A hint of vanilla was added to the Rum Punch, and everyone was excited about Cremmase; the thick, sweet, texture of milk and rum delicious coated our tongues and burned our throats. In my family, prepared meals represents ones worth ethic therefore something to be passionate about.

My families’ inherent passion for prepared meals was a part of our character and lifestyle. My father is a former carnivore, turned vegan environmentalist interested in eating clean before it became fashionable. My dad decided to become vegan while my mom was pregnant with me. As with many parents wanting the best for their kids, he obsessed about my brothers and I ate. My immediate families’ diet was legendary among extended family and friends. My father voted at the cash register and boycotted the abundance of artificially processed food and unpronounceable preservatives; baked our whole wheat bread from scratch, made dough for our pizza, switched us to soy milk, whipped up delicious salad, created salad dressings with herb infused olive oil, juiced all of our juices, and introduced my brothers and I to the taste of fresh delicious food. He taught us how to honor our bodies.

My association with food reflecting love and comfort matured into something different as an adult. Since I’d been introduced to two completely different and wonderful ways of eating, my curiosity took over. I discovered my love for different foods by adventurously trying West African, Indian, Philippine, Thai, Turkish, Mexican, Italian, etc and other foods culturally foreign to me. One of my favorite things to do with my ex – finances family was to lovingly share a meal. The resident family chef would cook a delicious meal and tantalizingly arrange it on 2 or 3 large platters which up to 8 people could feast upon. The closeness and intimacy made me feel accepted and welcomed into his family. When he and I cooked and eventually shared a meal, it transcended intimacy and became sensual, deepening our love. Food that is prepared well and enjoyed symbolizes a full life

Busy Bee

To my loyal readers :D , I apologize for not updating this blog. My life is a little crazier than normal at this exact moment, busy at work, attempting to write 2 essays, 1 magazine article , running 3 days a week, attempting the 100 push up challenge (canceled gym membership - no weight machine access), balancing the budget while having fun, and have been cooking alot more in my effort to become healthier all around. I'm starting to Beez about it (lol) versus talking about it and am realizing there really isn't enough hours in the day and thats OK. I will try to post two entries one day this week and get a bit more personal - ooooooohhhh.

Until then - Au Revoir