F8ck my life or my attitude ......

Today is payday *joy* ......or so I thought...... I was excited about this particular payday because it was suppose to be all about ME. September is one of those few months when I receive 3 checks versus 2 * angels singing*. I've been basking in this upcoming holiday (Payroll Leap year) since Monday I'd work extra hours due to the system conversion and was excited that my recurring annoyance (time sheets) would finally work my favor. My cousin whose also my roommate made plans to go to Miami for carnival. In order for her to buy her ticket and costume;I paid all the bills - don't judge.The point is my pleasure was suppose to triple, this pay week was suppose to be special.

It's Spa week in NYC; I fantasized about herbal peelings, chocolate body wraps, deep tissue massages, hydrating facials, mani - pedis, individual lash extensions, perfectly arched eyebrows, splurging on new make up, starting my Fall/Winter wardrobe savings account, paying for my LAST test, budgeting for a spring 2011 vacation, etc. But, when I started plugging numbers into my fiscally responsible future orientated excel spread sheet, my heart began to sank. My negative column began to attack my holiday bonus; savings, student loan repayment, credit card payment, cell phone, food, clothing/ gift, metro card, etc. I sent a flurry of emails to my cousin " fucking my life".

After temporarily wallowing in my misery, I reframed. The fact is one of my credit cards is completely paid off . I have a nice amount of money in savings, my cooking has improved, writing more, and my engagement ring is out of the pawn shop - don't judge. I've sacrificed getting a new hairdo every week,a new outfit bi - weekly, gym membership (outdoor workouts much better, anyway), pedicures, eating out, frequently going out, and cab rides but have gained so much more. I've been far from perfect since 6/25/2010 but have been getting better. I could never afford to treat myself as often as I did, which is why I can't treat myself NOW. After completing my budget, I addressed a potential fear - Is this what my life's going to be? Am I going to work 75 hours a week to pay bills and have a small amount to spend? The answer is NO!!!

If I continued to fool myself, eventually the well would have run dry - no credit or terrible credit which means absolutely no access to anything worth having. I would have dug a hole so deep that I wouldn't see light. I can at least feel and see the sun in my hole. If I can stick to the plan, I'll be able to turn my savings into additional income, accomplish a confidence boosting goal, finally learn good money management skills, and improve me life. So, I'm fucking my brat attack and loving my journey to a debt free life.

Rectifying my relationship with my body

I got on the scale today and discovered an 8lb weight gain; I was both horrified and mortified. I'm a control freak, avid reader, and fixer so I immediately set to put those skills to good use. If my thoughts were tracked by mini lights, my brain would have lit up like Time Square. I immediately grabbed my belongings and went on my lunch break. Proceed to calculate my intake for the day, called my cousin to arrange for a run later, and head to Barnes and Noble. I figure I'd look up new weight lifting techniques, interval exercises, and jot down a few healthy low calorie recipes. I reached the fitness section first but was so upset that I couldn't bond with a book. Book Bonding is finding information that addresses your specific situation (dilemma in my case) - nerdy self soothing prescription. My emotions were running so high, all I could do was leaf through books, barely absorbing any information

I decided to switch gears and headed to the self improvement aisle. I was immediately drawn to the mediation, quiet spaces, Tai Chi type books and was flooded with emotions. Emotional unpleasantries that I'd psychologically boxed up came to the surface in the form of uncomfortable fleeting memories. My mind replayed my relationship with a person I considered a friend, ex - fiancé, money issues, etc. It was all so overwhelming that I abandoned my mission to control my weight and decided to just walk for an hour. The truth revealed itself during my walk. I finally believed that my extra weight was a symptom of unaddressed emotional issues. Whether, I’m happy (favorite), sad (sweet), distressed (sweet), angry (crunchy), etc. I comfort myself with food.


Make no mistake my wanting to maintain a healthy weight has nothing to do with media outlets , societies definition of “beauty”, or an useless unless thin syndrome; not dating, swimming, socializing, trying to achieve goals, vacationing, sexing unless skinny. I was there in my early 20’s when I should have been enjoying my sensuality, endless energy, and beauty; crazy thing – I wasn’t even fat. I’m not aspiring to be a sample size or have thighs my hands can fit around. But, I don’t want to struggle to climb stairs, be unable to walk long distances, or run for the bus. I want to be active, toned, and healthy regardless of the number on the scale. Appreciating ones mind, body, and soul is more than just loving yourself regardless of size, race, height, relationship status, title, etc. it’s about honoring our lives and the tools that help us exist.

I refuse to continue this dysfunctional relationship with my body. I refuse to emotionally harm myself by feeling guilty over weight gain or not exercising. I refuse to spiritually harm myself by not dealing with emotional upsets which causes me to shut down, close off, and seek solace in instant gratification. I refuse to physically abuse my body by eating good, working out, binge drinking, flossing, smoking, and washing my make up off when the mood strikes. I vow to honor myself and consistently do well and occasionally indulge, let’s face it I’m no saint. I’m not perfect, nor will I ever be. But, I can enjoy my imperfect existence fully with more balance and less extremes which will result in a better me.

This I believe

Hello everyone,

I submitted a very personal essay to http://thisibelieve.org not-for-profit organization that engages youth and adults from all walks of life in writing, sharing, and discussing brief essays about the core values that guide their daily lives. Enjoy !!!!

I believe in myself therefore I never believed I'd become a statistic or cautionary tale, even after dropping out of high school at 15 years old. Dropping out was one of the hardiest choices I ever made. I feared the stigma and inferiority complex which followed but time has shown me admitting defeat or quitting, isn’t always equivalent to failure. I can blame an archaic school system, environment, teachers who could care less, and/or my inability to learn the same as everyone else, laziness, etc – I won’t. Although, these things contributed to my academic failure, nothing pushed me down that slope quicker than my lack of faith in myself.

I remember mentally checking out at nine years old, sitting at my desk working on my homework for hours, in utter confusion, as tears rolled down my face. I’d eaten dinner, used the restroom several times, and after hours of school was still faced with incomprehensible information. Time stood still as I languished within my inescapable inferno. My father bone tired after a 10 -12 hour shift tried to explain concepts that should have been taught in class. I can still feel my face hitting my hands as I broke down….. utterly defeated. I recall looking across the room and zoning in on my corkboard which held a single sheet of paper with an enticing monetary reward system for passing test scores; $100 for a 90 -100 % score and something like $25 for a 75 %. Imagine how stupid I felt at that moment; I realized that I’d never qualified for the barley passing consolation prize. I retreated into myself that day; boxing up my shame, insecurities, and faith.

My cowardice allowed me to sit in class for hours, days, months, and years; barely breathing in fear of being called on. I stared intently at the clock, willing time to pass, as I strategized my participation volunteering to answer the few questions I knew. Years later, my fear and lack of faith in myself finally caught up with me – I was exposed. I stood on the sidelines as my class practiced songs and skits for our eight grade graduation. Everyone knew I was going to be held back. My family had moved from NYC to New Jersey the year before, what they didn’t know was this was the 2nd time. The unthinkable happened the following year – I failed the 8th grade again. My self esteem plummeted; I couldn't understand how a shrewd, avid reader, who spent all her free time at the library, could be so stupid – it was beyond embarrassing. Completely broken down, I convinced my dad to sign me out of school so that I could get my GED with the help of a program at the local community college. I lied – I really wanted to go away to Job Corp. I’d seen the commercials on TV which promised their potential students a High School Diploma, Trade, and start up money. Although, the program required students to work independently and teach themselves things they didn’t learn in High school. I was hopeful and finally started to believe what my parents had been telling me “I can do anything I put my mind to”. Long story short, I went to Job Corp and passed my GED test the 1st time within 3 months. My confidence shot through the roof after realizing that I’d pass the test because I learned an important characteristic – perseverance. I no longer allow labels to define me and have since renewed my subscription in faith and myself.

Fall Fashion *Wishlist*

Fall is my absolute favorite season; it means not being too hot or cold and always being just right, Some days it's nice enough to bare your legs all while showing off your favorite leather jacket or trench coat. Fall represents natural earthy makeup, perfect weather proof hair, texture marriages (billowy and tough). A change in aesthetics thanks to the leaves - it's all very inspiring. So, I've thrown together a collage of my fall lustworthy items; cocktail dress that can be worn to the office with a nice fitted blazer, black skinny jeans ( to tuck in those boots), lace up closed toe booties, updated comfy cardigan type sweater to be paired with sexy camisoles, chunky necklaces, hippie hats, faux fur vests,shirt dresses, earthy shimmery and uber smoky make up, sexy lingerie, embellished belts, and a sexy pencil length leather skirt. I was inspired by a picture of my mom circa 1980 something, she was rocking a fitted knee length leather dress which I'd total wear today.

But, I'm on a budget. I'm saving for the thigh high boots I've coveted since last year but will need to figure out the rest. I suspect a lot of the item I want can be purchased on ebay, thrift ,or consignment shops ; chunky necklace, hippie hat, leather skirt, and belt. The rest will have to be bought new or forgone altogether. I have clothes on the mind today .....continue to follow me to see how it all works out.

*GASP*

I've noticed these past few weeks,new visitors starting to frequent "my" website. The idea of having followers who actually like my posts, adjective abuse, and style of writing is exciting, humbling,and terrifying all at once. I review my posts every time I see a new city on my traffic feed, especially if no one I know lives there, and my stomach does all sorts of twists and turns. I want this blog to be good and relatable but I also want to be true to myself. I'm no professional writer. I'm just a girl who loves to read , enjoys writing, and feels honored to have a space to document her growth. I'm a true Sagittarian in that I'm always aiming high landing no where in particular , except on my feet, with a funny, adventure filled story to tell. I'm going to stop worry about whether my posts are too fluffy, serious, or self righteous. My goal is to have a fun reflective space. I hope newbie's and oldies alike enjoy and leave this site with either a smile or topic of conversation.

*Warning - fluffy post maybe coming up next*

Best for last

Best For Last lyrics
Songwriters: Adkins, Adele;

Wait, do you see my heart on my sleeve?
It's been there for days on end
And it's been waitin' for you to open up
Just you baby, come on now, I'm trying to tell you just how
I like to hear the words roll out of your mouth finally
Say that it's always been me

That's made you feel a way you've never felt before
And I'm all you need and that you never want more
Then you'd say all of the right things without a clue
But you'd save the best for last like I'm the one for you

You should know that you're just a temporary fix
This is not rooted with you, it don't mean that much to me
You're just a filler in the space that happened to be free
How dare you think you'd get away with tryin' to play me

Why is it every time I think I've tried my hardest
It turns out it ain't enough, you're still not mentionin' love?
What am I supposed to do to make you want me properly?
I'm takin' these chances and gettin' nowhere
And though I'm trying my hardest you back to her
And I think that I know things may never change
I'm still hopin' one day I might hear you say

I make you feel a way you've never felt before
And I'm all you need and that you never want more
Then you'd say all of the right things without a clue
But you'd save the best for last like I'm the one for you

You should know that you're just a temporary fix
This is not rooted with you it don't mean that much to me
You're just a filler in the space that happened to be free
How dare you think you'd get away with trying to play me

But, despite the truth that I know
I find it hard to let go and give up on you
Seems I love the things you do
Like the meaner you treat me the more eager I am
To persist with this heartbreak runnin' around
And I will do until I find myself with you

And make you feel a way you've never felt before
And be all you need so that you never want more
Then you'd say all of the right things without a clue
And you'll be the one for me and me the one for you


My love life is this song in repeat. It doesn't always start that way but always seems to end up with me feeling like I'm lacking in an area or eager to prove myself. The crazy thing is I know that I shouldn't......to do so would be to compromise my principles.

I don't want to compromise myself or my principles. I've been presented with a unique opportunity to live in a rent controlled apartment in NYC. A two bedroom apartment for $800 bucks which would allow me to find a roommate and save tons of $$$$$, even if I live in said apartment alone I could still bank lots of $$$$. The rent control apartment would be a much better financial situation compared to my overpriced 1 bedroom apartment at $1,063.00 per month. * I hesitate*

The reason why I'm looking this gift horse in the mouth is because I'd have to access this diamond in the rough thru my ex- fiance. The perpetual fuck up who lures me in to haphazardly hurt me. I can give myself a million and one reasons why I'd be stupid not to jump on this opportunity; debt repayment, potential non resorty type vacations, thigh high Stella McCartney boots, etc. Material bullshit aside, I don't really want to have to learn the same lesson all over AGAIN in an apartment that isn't in my name. I don't want to be vunerable in this way. Although, this is a hard decision, I'm going to save the best for last and tell myself "you'll be the one for me and me the one for you".

Thanks but no thanks - sometimes you have to step out on faith and besides God, it doesn't hurt to have faith in yourself.

Happiness

"Happiness is neither virtue nor pleasure, nor this thing, nor that, but simply growth. We are happy when we are growing"

Gretchen Rubin

So grow and be memorable

The teacher is everywhere ......